I came home from work tonight, sat down in my favorite chair, turned the TV on, and said to Theresa, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
She looked a little puzzled, but she brought me a beer.
After I finished it, I said, "Quick Hun! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"
This time she looked a little upset, but she brought me one anyway.
When it was gone, I said, "Quickly Hun! One more beer! It's gonna start any second!"
"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and run errands all day long?"
Thats when I sighed. "Oh shit. Now it's started."
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
I came home from work tonight, sat down in my favorite chair, turned the TV on, and said to Theresa, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"
Tuesday, May 19, 2009
Get ready for the ride of your life. This amazing speed machine is one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters on Earth. Climb aboard unique dragster-style trains and inch forward to the starting line. The engine revs. Your heart pumps. The tree lights count down to green and you're launched to speeds of 120 mph in less than 4 seconds.
The ride's just getting started as you climb 420 feet into the air, crest a massive hill and spiral 270 degrees as you speed towards the finish line. The entire experience is over in 17 seconds.
The following pictures were emailed to me with the statement "Don't know what would be more fun. Riding the coaster or watching people disembark." You'll understand when you get to the last pic.
Sunday, May 10, 2009
It being mothers day our family spent the the afternoon reminiscing about good times growing up.
My oldest brother Ken, remembered the time he got caught sneaking some ice cream right before supper. This was before the rest of us were born. Mom walked into the kitchen and and yelled “Supper is in the oven. Put that ice cream away and go play until the food is on the table.”
But mom, Ken cried, There's nobody to play with!
OK, mom said, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?
I want to play house. You be the mom and I'll be daddy. You go into the living room, and I'll be there in a minute. A couple minutes later Ken struts into the front room wearing one of dad's hats, chomping on one of his cigars, and mom said “Welcome home dear, how was your day?”
Ken said “Never mind how my day was, get your butt up out of that chair and fix your kid some ice cream!”
OK, that didn't really happen, but there was that time when we were little, and my sister shared a shocking secret at the supper table. She told everyone that Kens best friend Kevin had a weenie like a peanut. Mom asked “Do you mean its little?”
She said “No, its salty.”
OK, that didn't really happen. But there was that time when it was asked “Mom I'm 12 now. Can I wear a bra?”
My mother used to be quite the ventriloquist. She was always throwing her voice to make us laugh. Sometimes it wasn't funny though. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.
But growing up my mother was just like a sister to me. Well except we didn't have sex as often. So this post is for you mom. I love you!
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
This is an excellent opportunity for all you wonderful people. I am creating a new alcoholic drink called "Responsibly", and you, yes YOU, get the first opportunity to invest.
I believe everyone in the country should get shit faced by drinking "Responsibly". Every other beer manufacturer will advertise OUR product on their can with the slogan "Please drink Responsibly". The government will run public service announcements promoting US.
My cousin who attends the Port Charlotte Fairgrounds Law School, said it sounds legal to him. So invest away my good friends.
Friday, May 1, 2009
I was so excited all day. I told all my friends at work and they couldn't believe how lucky I was. I hurried home, parked crooked and almost forgot to close the car door.
So I skip through the front door all excited (yes I skipped), (anal, uh huh! uh huh!) and there she is. Standing in the middle of the living room, holding some k-y, naked as a jay bird, smiling from ear to ear, and ... she's wearing this huge fucking strap on. "Are ya ready for it?" she giggles.
Then she said "Do ya know the difference between jelly and jam?
Maybe I can't jelly this up your ass, but I sure can jam it"
One of us is sleeping on the couch tonight. I don't care who but one of us definitely is!
Monday, April 27, 2009
My brother Ken has a son, Travis, and his class was talking about this disease. The teacher was explaining the word "contagious" to the students, and after her lesson she asked the kids to use the word in a sentence. I guess the first one to go was her pet and he said "You can catch the swine flu because it is contagious."
She brags on him and asks someone else to try.
Next Travis' "girl friend" gets picked and she says "I caught chicken pox last year and couldn't go out to play because I was contagious."
Again the teacher brags on the kid and asks "Anyone else?"
So then Travis jumps up (and I can just hear his Tennessee drawl), "Our neighbor is paintin his house with a 2 inch brush, and my daddy says it will take the contagious."
Ken is picking Travis up after detention for the rest of the week.
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Like most people my age, I'm 47. I hardly ever call my mother so she called me today and said she's worried I might be getting Alzheimer's. I told her she should forget about it, I would. It seemed like we had had that conversation before though. Do people with Alzheimer's have deja vu?
I was going to try to go back to school and get some higher learnin but apparently I flunked my history exam. Seems that "Through three hundred years of inbreeding" is the totally wrong answer to the question “How has Bible belt culture evolved?”
So that leaves me with time on my hands. I'm going to make a list of 10 things I would like to do before I die.
I want to learn how to say “keep the noise down” in sign language.
- I want to stop putting things off, and always finish what I sta
Thursday, April 16, 2009
On the way across my neighbors back yard to greet the new arrivals, I spotted something I'd never seen before. Used teabags hanging on a clothesline. I thought they must be protesting the government's spending policies. I met the young couple at their door and they invited me in, and there, on the kitchen table was a fork in the sugar bowl. Thats Strange. It was a perfectly good house they had bought but on the first day they were installing double glazed windows they had bought on sale, in order they said “To keep the kids from hearing the ice cream trucks.”
It was then that I knew my new neighbors were Jewish. I don't keep up on events in the Middle East so I wasn't sure what we would talk about, and I blurted “Is there such a thing as a full blooded Jew?” Their jaws dropped and I knew I had better say something fast so I followed with “I ask because all the Jews I have met only claim to be Jew-ish.”
Luckily the husband had a sense of humor and knew I was feeling a little self conscious about now, so he said “Have you ever said something and immediately wished you could take it back?” Before I could respond he said “Like ... Yeah I'm a Jew. You skin heads want to do something about it?”
I knew right then we were going to get along just fine.
Their moving in reminds me of the ad I put in the paper last month for a new hire for my company. In order to cut down on the dead trees we use to print applications, and to save them gas and the trouble of driving across town, I stated that Muslims and Jews need not apply. Well the Jews couldn't care less, the Muslims thought it was no big deal, but the damned government has served me with a court summons for discrimination. I butcher pigs for goodness sake!
Well, I'll see you in court. Later ...
Monday, April 13, 2009
I had to interview people for an opening at work today. The first guy was fresh out of college and seemed quite competent, plus he is a real people person. The second guy has a degree and three years experience. The woman has two degrees and seven years experience. Of course I hired the woman. Hell I can get her for half the pay. Now understand I'm all for sexual equality. That's why I allow all my female staffers to work overtime so they can earn the same as my guys.
Over the weekend I had met up with Don (a co-worker) and accused him of calling in sick in order to go play golf. He informed me I was wrong, and he had the fish to prove it. So after lunch today I handed in a resignation letter. I can't wait to see Don's face when he finds out he quit. Hehe.
But then just when I thought everything was going my way, my computer became infected with some kind of antivirus virus. It keeps popping ads up on the screen so it is impossible to use. I've had to do everything manually all afternoon. Do you know how long it takes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire? I had to stay late to finish the game I'd started.
Right before I left I read a memo from the Big Guy introducing a new rule: No drinking at your desk. I'm not too upset about it though, there's 37 other desks in that office. To end this post I'd just like to offer a big thank you to all of those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the highway. It really brightens up my drive to work. THANK YOU!
See ya later ...
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
So how many witnesses do they actually need before Jehovah's trial starts? Another one came to my door last Saturday but this one didn't get to enjoy my usual witty remarks. She brought along her little daughter, and its just not right to ridicule a person in front of their child. Hell she might be right and I just couldn't concentrate on my poker hand if I had to babysit her kid in hell because I destroyed the little one's belief.
I didn't notice whether or not she had a cross around her neck but I sometimes wonder if the first thing Jesus wants to see upon his return will be a bunch of freekin' crosses. I mean do you think if JFK came back he would want to meet with a group of fans wearing little rifles on their lapels?
I try not to laugh when I listen to these people. But people who don't want to be laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. I mean isn't this all about one woman's lie about an affair that got totally out of hand?
In case you are not familiar with Christianity it goes something like this:
You must believe that a Jewish lady who never had sex, gave birth to a baby who never did anything wrong his whole childhood. When he became a man he died, was interned, but came back to life and flew into the clouds without a spaceship or even an airplane. He left instructions that you must symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood, but in the book his dad wrote you're not supposed to eat catfish or lobster. You must telepathically tell him he is your master, and you must never masturbate. If you have enough faith, he'll forgive you for doing evil things, which you do because a woman who was created perfectly, listened to a talking snake who convinced her to climb a magical tree and eat the one thing in the world she shouldn't eat (besides catfish, crab, lobster, pig, rabbit, oyster, shrimp, ostrich, clams, mussel, frogs, so on and so forth ....) that enabled her to know good from bad by the way. And you have to refrain from work one day a week. Well if one day is good, then two must be better me thinks.
This all makes perfect sense to me. But this next part just seems mean. You get the little boys and girls all dressed up, let them fill their tiny little baskets with eggs, then sit them down under a picture of a half naked guy with blood running down his face, nailed to railroad ties, surrounded by men with spears. How are they gonna enjoy their eggs looking at that?
Well I guess someone should pray for me now. Gotta go. See ya
Monday, March 30, 2009
February 12, 2009 ~ A Charlotte County man is arrested for robbing a gas station after his car runs out of gas during the getaway. (You should always pre-trip your work vehicle at the start of every shift.)
February 24, 2009 ~ A 16 year old burglarizes a residence leaving his crushed cell-phone outside the window, then hitchhikes his getaway. Police track down the youth, then call his cell phone which rings at the scene of the crime. (The lad is disappointed about losing his phone because he just bought five new ringtones.)
March 29, 2009 ~ A man gets arrested after attempting to rob a grocery store and leaves a jug behind that he says is a bomb. He gets nothing (because the staff realizes he's just the silly son of a Yankee) and he is arrested 18 minutes later while making his getaway on a bicycle.
October 8, 2008 ~ A man was arrested for burglarizing a Port Charlotte store. After posting bond, he was spotted in the jail parking lot checking doors on the vehicles, looking for an unlocked car. He was pulled from a pickup after refusing to get out, claiming his wife was late picking him up and he was just looking for a cell phone to call her with. (He has one call left.)
July 18, 2008 ~ A local two year old girl was caught with a green leafy substance in her lunch box. Turns out her parents were divorced and the child has two lunch boxes, so it wasn't immediately clear where the pot came from. (I think a teacher found the marijuana after looking in the lunch box because the child had the munchies.)
March 16, 2009 ~ Ok, this one is over the county line but close enough to make the list. A 21 year old genius shoots himself in the leg and doesn't even have a gun. He was sitting in the driveway banging bullets with a hammer when one exploded, (unfortunately missing his head). The event was witnessed by the children of his room mate who was already under investigation for not supervising the children.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. And a similar van has been outside my workplace. It's probably my wife having someone take pictures of me. Recently she put a magnet on the refrigerator that says:
of your children who will never
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Monday, March 16, 2009
She is a proper “special” girl so the dates have all ended with nothing more than a kiss so far. Joe figured if he could get her to his apartment, the setting would be more appropriate for advancing the relationship. So he convinced her to come over so he could show off his cooking skills. But poor Joe has an unorthodox sense of humor, and some people just don't know how to take him.
While he was preparing their dinner, he said with a straight face, “God designed women to stay in the kitchen and cook you know.” Well this girl may be slow but she's not stupid. She has ambition and a better job than he does, as a matter of fact, and she let him know it. Joe wouldn't let it go though. He said “Yet men make much better cooks than women. I guess all you're really good for is cleaning up. Could you start with this pan?”
Then she comes unglued. “Talk to the hand” she yelled. Well Joe said the hand wouldn't listen and he started talking to his own hand to demonstrate. As the night progressed, the girl left, Joe kept talking to his hand, things went fairly well, and before Joe knew it, he and his hand were in bed having great sex.
I'm not usually a praying man but 'Thank you God, for letting me not be Joe.'
Saturday, March 14, 2009
Hello Readers. I am Mikes wife and I have logged into his blog to share a few things I feel you should know about this sicko husband of mine.
First of all, every time I get on the computer to check my email, Mike sneaks up behind me and takes advantage of me against my will!
Honestly, it's like he koafio kfjp[aokf kopakf .fa..x54 afkopka, kf ;a ' ld;',,x,,.,.
Friday, March 13, 2009
For instance when an overweight person walked through the door I would say:
“We have dresses on sale in the extra extra large department, was you aware of that? There's a sale on fried chicken and Ho-Ho's too. And don't forget to pick up your free 3 liter bottle of diet coke when you buy a 12 pack of giant cinnamon rolls.”
“Hello friendly white trash family, welcome to Wal-mart. Two for one on wife beater t-shirts. Busch beer is on sale. Don't bother going down that aisle. Theres nothing there but toothpaste, shampoo, and soap. Nothing you're going to use.”
Or maybe I'll just lay on the beach. Probably live longer fighting sun cancer.
Wednesday, March 11, 2009
Following a joke I made last week about the Holy Qur'an, I've gotten a large number of private messages from Muslim readers of this blog and I would like to make the following statement:
"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."
OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?
Sunday, March 8, 2009
They have a video section there as well. I asked if they had any DVDs about some people stranded on a tropical desert island, and the worker in that area told me to get lost. I can't believe how rude some people can be.
I did find one person I thought was helpful though. She taught me I should never judge a book by the cover. I should use the paragraph on the back. It tells you what the book is about. And just when I thought she was showing some respect for me and trying to help, she pipes up with a recommendation for some silly book saying 'its a real page turner.' Like I don't know how a book works!
I finally found a book and checked it out. Its called Psycho the Rapist. Funny thing though, on the cover all the words are run together so it looks like Psychotherapist. Isn't that hilarious. Catch ya later ...
Friday, March 6, 2009
The other 80% are in the kitchen, where they should be!
6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy!
1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The 10th man prefers the 9 men.
9 out of 9 women are annoying when the speak.
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
4 out of 3 people prefer english to math.
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
1 out of 6 people have had sex at work. (shouldn't that should be 2 out of 12)
50% of people believe that sex is "the connecting of two people's souls through two people's bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
It is said that the average male will have sex 2580 times during his life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197. And finally, according to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
I attended church tonight for old times sake. As the end of the sermon on love and all that crap was coming to an end, the preacher asked the congregation “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Well about 8 out of every 10 people raised their hands.
The minister asked again, a little louder. Everybody raised their hand this time except one little old lady.
“Miss Mary, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any” she replied smiling as only little old ladies can.
“Miss Mary, that is quite unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety and Eight” she said.
“Well, Miss Mary, would you be kind enough to come to the front of the hall and share with us how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?”
The sweet little grandmother slowly paced down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:
“I outlived the bitches.”
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Personally I don't know what will become of the kids, no one does. It could be that one of them will come up with a cure for a yet unknown disease, or perhaps lead the world closer to a lasting peace, but it the mean time lets take a break from the hate and have some fun.
This girl is someone I would love to hang out with.
Monday, March 2, 2009
I'm back at a computer after a minor life changing event. I've been out of it for the last couple of weeks for reasons we won't go into, but while I was recouping I had a dream. I dreamed that someday chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned. No wait, not that dream ...
I dreamed that I robbed a bank. I got 15 million dollars in debt. While running away, I was being chased by a police dog. Unfortunately I tried to escape from the dog by crawling through a tunnel, running over a see-saw, and jumping through a hoop of fire. The animal finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.
I got some good news while I was in the jail in this dream. I heard that the prison population has been ballooning for the past 10 years. I mean it would be the thrill of my lifetime to go ballooning. Most law abiding citizens can only dream of that. Then I started waking up and the TV was on a news channel in my room. The first thing I remember hearing was that 60,000 people had lost their homes in America. Now how stupid do you have to be to forget where you live?
In the hospital my roommate was a crazy pet lover. He convinced me that testing cosmetics on animals was wrong. Even though my dog looks fucking hot in lipstick, I guess I agree. When I got home I found a package of Viagra I had ordered off the internet. Not being sure of its quality I thought I'd try it on the dog first. Boy his ass is going to hurt for days.
Well, thanks for dropping by. I've got to take my meds now. I missed you. Catch you later ...
Wednesday, February 11, 2009
I just had to share this with you. Some people are so sick these days. As I was checking into this hotel tonight on business, the guy in front of me said in a snooty voice “Please tell me the porn channel is disabled.”
It's just disgusting what some people are into, isn't it?
That reminds me of something I read in People magazine recently. It seems many actors have been discouraged from working with children or animals. Especially in the porn industry. See ya.
Monday, February 9, 2009
It started out as a laid back sort of weekend. I escorted my lovely wife to the mall for some retail therapy and to be patriotic by stimulating the local economy. Big place that mall, and Theresa didn't bring her cell phone. When we got separated and I couldn't find her for about two hours, well I had to improvise.
So I walked up to this drop dead gorgeous blond and said “I've lost my wife here in the mall so do you mind if I talk to you for a couple minutes?” The woman looked at me without smiling and asked “Why do you want to talk to me?” With a grin from ear to ear I replied “Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.” Before I could get all that out Theresa starts tapping on my shoulder.
“Do you want to die in this mall tonight?” she asked, and I said “No honey I want to die making sweet passionate love to you.” Then she snickered “Well at least we know it will be fast.”
But thats not where this story ends. As we were walking into the dollar discount theater who should I see but a guy off America's Most Wanted, who is being sought for several rapes and murders. Well by God I'm not going to just let this asshole walk away, so I run across the lobby as fast as I can, dive through the air for a good three feet and tackle the bum. While he was down, I kicked him and punched him and choked him until he lost consciousness. Then I sat on him until the police arrived and arrested me.
Thats right arrested me. Apparently they use actors on that show.
Anyway I made bail, and lived to blog another day. Catch ya later.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
I'm a little bit worried about him. He's gotten so lonely he's shaved one leg just so it feels like he's in bed with a woman. I hope he meets a nice girl soon.
On the other hand Big Jim has met a girl. Because of her he had to go to the emergency room over the weekend to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Unfortunately she found the ring in the pocket of his pants and used some olive oil to slip it onto his penis while he slept.
Now what do you think is worse?
- Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
- Trying to explain to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
- Finding out your wedding ring fits on your penis.
And finally Theresa is not talking to me. Its all because I didn't open the car door for her. But its really not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface. If our government had spent a little more money on our highways and on guard rails instead of grants to aid third world toad eating toenail biting single parents with adult lesbian children who smoke, this never would have happened. Thats all I have to say about that.
Now I have to go call in sick to work. I'll write more later ...
Monday, February 2, 2009
Monday, January 26, 2009
Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.
No, I said. They're like buses.
Later when I came home my wife was standing in front of the mirror. God, I look old, fat and ugly, she said to me. Pay me a compliment, dear. I really need it right now.
I said well, there is nothing wrong with your eyesight. Thats when I remembered how temperamental she was. She's 50% temper and 50% mental.
Seriously though Theresa says I should try to lose some weight. She said I should have sex five times a week to burn off some calories. I told her I'd put her down for two of the sessions. Now as soon as she goes to sleep and drops that baseball bat I'm going to bed too. Catch ya later ...
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Now that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have been taken over by the US Government, and Uncle Sam is investing in all our banks and mortgage companies, doesn't that make the US one big housing project?
Next thing you know we'll all be sitting in front of the TV all day stuffing our faces and getting immensely fat.
Oh wait a minute...
Sunday, January 18, 2009
“Do you understand that what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
My brother's son nodded, yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I'm sure you know, when a play is called, you shouldn't argue, swear or call the ref a 'dickhead'. Do you understand all that?”
Again Travis nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a useless twat' now is it?”
Looking slightly ashamed by now, Ken's son agreed.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your Dad”
Thursday, January 15, 2009
I don't want to mention any names (Glenn) but a friend of mine was very depressed recently. He had taken a big gamble and lost so his family was going to be kicked out of their house and onto the street the following day.
He was at a loss as to what to do and thought there was only one way out. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there. He rested his head on the steering wheel, tears pouring down his cheeks. His right foot on the brake was trembling as he inched closer to the edge of the cliff. Anxiously all the nice people there took up a collection and they rounded up enough money for him to pay his debt and keep his home ..... Good thing his bus was full that day!
Saturday, January 10, 2009
They get inside the gate and Joe asks "What would you like to do first, Gertrude?" "I want to get weighed," she said. So they wander over to the weight guesser. He guessed 160 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 157 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Gertrude what she wanted to do. "I want to get weighed," she said smiling from ear to ear. So back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his three bucks.
They walked around the carnival for awhile and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured this one was a little too crazy for him, so he rushed her home, dropped her off at the curb, gave her a handshake, and sped off.
As soon as she went inside Gertrude's roommate Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Gertrude responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Picture this. I was returning to my car at the quick-stop. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 20, maybe 21 year old, fine little blond. God, she was hot.
My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like."
Reminded me of when I was that age. I went out with an English teacher for a while, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon. What are ya gonna do?
Some people think 46 is middle age, but its not really. Not when you plan on living to be 120. I've started taking better care of myself and have done some research on tests I may need in the future. I found this video and knew right away that it must be shared. Pay attention - this is important for all of us guys!
Thanks to Rick Blue.
Sunday, January 4, 2009
Saturday, January 3, 2009
He really loves blind dates. He says its bcause he can stare at their boobs. When he picked her up at her parents house, her father told him to keep his hands off his daughter. Joe thought to himself; OKAY, buts it your fault if she falls off during sex.
So anyway he takes her to this nice little restaurant and asks her what she wants do drink. She replies “Champagne, I guess.” Joe says “Guess again!” They drank a few beers, and during the course of the date the girl asked Joe if he would run in a marathon. Well not bing in the best shape he tells her not a chance, but after being told it was for blind and spastic kids, he figured he could win that.
Well I've got to spend some quality time with my lovely wife now. She was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Whatever.
Gotta go. Hope to see you all at Joe's race. Later ...