Sunday, February 28, 2010

Driving For Dollars

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period.

That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are reporting me to me. Ah, free enterprise.

I was driving around the mall today looking for a space close to a door, when this little old lady pulled out of a space only three spots from the food court. I whipped into the space as quickly as I could and immediately I heard an angry beeping behind me.

A Mexican guy yelled out of his window “Hey yo can't take that space, I bean here nearly an hour.”

I got out, slammed my door and as I walked away I said “Well I've been here my whole damn life, so fuck off!”

On a brighter note I got my auto insurance reduced this week. I changed my occupation to pedophile. Apparently there is a discount for people who drive around slowly looking out for children. Yeah that's sick and twisted but maybe just a little bit funny?

Now a word of advice. If you are ever on a plane and find yourself next to someone who won't shut up just do this ... Open your laptop so that the offender can see the screen and type the following link. ... Shuts them up real quick every time!

Sunday, February 21, 2010


There can be problems with hiring staff suffering with learning disabilities. My boss wants a diverse staff that is representative of the general population, and with dyslexia affecting between 5 and 17% of people and since it does not effect intelligence, he hired a dyslexic as his personal assistant.

Come to find out there are some advantages that he couldn't have imagined when he brought this fine young lady on board. Today he discovered one of them when he sent her a memo to sack his cook. Needless to say she got a big raise.

AND ... today I got fired.

My boss let me go for creating a photo-shop image of his 16 year old daughter sucking my 14" tool, and emailing it to everyone in the department.

A few of my former co-workers thought it funny, the majority were disgusted, but I am just confused!

What the hell is photo-shop?

Monday, February 15, 2010


Do you know of any other Country that has named a State after a bucket of chicken?

I was in a KFC the other day and I had to stand in line for quite a few minutes before having my order taken. When I finally got to the counter the young lady said to me: “Sorry about your wait”. Well I told her “You're not so skinny yourself Chunky!” Then I felt bad. I remembered that is politically un-correct to insult the waitstaff before you get your food.

But this girl was super sized. I only imagine that when she sits in the tub, the water in the toilet bowl rises. I have found an easy way to get a large woman to lose 30 pounds though. I drink a 12 pack of Budweiser. It can work in reverse too. When she drinks I grow hair.

My lack of locks was caused by sudden onset baldness. My wife read in some magazine that she would have more fun if she shaved her twat. I woke up the next morning with no hair. Seriously I only realized I was going bald when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face.

Now before you disappear like my split ends ...

Why should you never have sex with a fat lady with AIDS?

What? You need a third reason?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Joe and Granny

My good friend Joe told me this afternoon that he can't come to work tomorrow because he has a date that is going to last all day. I suspect his date is February 9th, 2010.

Seriously though he did have a date this past weekend but she refuses to go out with him again. She called him “The Master of Idiotic Comparisons.” He was so upset. He said he felt just like a celery stalk on Ritalin.

The poor guy tries though. He had a steady girl for about a month. Then one afternoon, on their one month anniversary he texts her a steamy little note saying how he wanted to make hot passionate love to her all night long. Unfortunately he sent it to his Grandma. So he had to ditch his girl and drive to Miami to spend the night with Granny. So that was all of that.

I have to admit that his Grandma is HOT. She got some nipple rings back around the first of the year that she loves to show off. I do to feel just a little bit sorry for the old lady from time to time. It seems like every time she tries to walk around the house naked she keeps getting her big toes caught in them.

I know you wonder why I have been absent for awhile. Well it was all for your benefit. The time away was well spent doing research for a book I have titled “How To Avoid Getting Ripped Off Online.” If you will send a cashiers check or money order for $29.95 I will be more than delighted to send you an autographed copy, certain to go somewhere in value. Act within the next 10 minutes and you'll get not 1 but 147 copies sent directly to your in-box with absolutely no postage or handling charges.

Thanks for the comments during my absence, and be well my friends. Later .....