Monday, April 27, 2009

The Swine Flu

All I heard on the news this weekend was a pig flu, a pig flu, a pig flu. I thought that was impossible, but you know what this means? My wife owes me some lovely favors. She always said .... When pigs fly ...

My brother Ken has a son, Travis, and his class was talking about this disease. The teacher was explaining the word "contagious" to the students, and after her lesson she asked the kids to use the word in a sentence. I guess the first one to go was her pet and he said "You can catch the swine flu because it is contagious."

She brags on him and asks someone else to try.

Next Travis' "girl friend" gets picked and she says "I caught chicken pox last year and couldn't go out to play because I was contagious."

Again the teacher brags on the kid and asks "Anyone else?"

So then Travis jumps up (and I can just hear his Tennessee drawl), "Our neighbor is paintin his house with a 2 inch brush, and my daddy says it will take the contagious."

Ken is picking Travis up after detention for the rest of the week.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

10 Things

Like most people my age, I'm 47. I hardly ever call my mother so she called me today and said she's worried I might be getting Alzheimer's. I told her she should forget about it, I would. It seemed like we had had that conversation before though. Do people with Alzheimer's have deja vu?

I was going to try to go back to school and get some higher learnin but apparently I flunked my history exam. Seems that "Through three hundred years of inbreeding" is the totally wrong answer to the question “How has Bible belt culture evolved?”

So that leaves me with time on my hands. I'm going to make a list of 10 things I would like to do before I die.

  1. I want to learn how to say “keep the noise down” in sign language.

  2. I want to stop putting things off, and always finish what I sta

Thursday, April 16, 2009

Meet The Neighbors

Ok, we've talked about Muslims and Christians, and soon we'll set the record straight about those lousy lying atheists, but today I want to introduce you to my new neighbors.

On the way across my neighbors back yard to greet the new arrivals, I spotted something I'd never seen before. Used teabags hanging on a clothesline. I thought they must be protesting the government's spending policies. I met the young couple at their door and they invited me in, and there, on the kitchen table was a fork in the sugar bowl. Thats Strange. It was a perfectly good house they had bought but on the first day they were installing double glazed windows they had bought on sale, in order they said “To keep the kids from hearing the ice cream trucks.”

It was then that I knew my new neighbors were Jewish. I don't keep up on events in the Middle East so I wasn't sure what we would talk about, and I blurted “Is there such a thing as a full blooded Jew?” Their jaws dropped and I knew I had better say something fast so I followed with “I ask because all the Jews I have met only claim to be Jew-ish.”

Luckily the husband had a sense of humor and knew I was feeling a little self conscious about now, so he said “Have you ever said something and immediately wished you could take it back?” Before I could respond he said “Like ... Yeah I'm a Jew. You skin heads want to do something about it?”

I knew right then we were going to get along just fine.

Their moving in reminds me of the ad I put in the paper last month for a new hire for my company. In order to cut down on the dead trees we use to print applications, and to save them gas and the trouble of driving across town, I stated that Muslims and Jews need not apply. Well the Jews couldn't care less, the Muslims thought it was no big deal, but the damned government has served me with a court summons for discrimination. I butcher pigs for goodness sake!

Well, I'll see you in court. Later ...

Monday, April 13, 2009

A Day At The Office

I had to interview people for an opening at work today. The first guy was fresh out of college and seemed quite competent, plus he is a real people person. The second guy has a degree and three years experience. The woman has two degrees and seven years experience. Of course I hired the woman. Hell I can get her for half the pay. Now understand I'm all for sexual equality. That's why I allow all my female staffers to work overtime so they can earn the same as my guys.

Over the weekend I had met up with Don (a co-worker) and accused him of calling in sick in order to go play golf. He informed me I was wrong, and he had the fish to prove it. So after lunch today I handed in a resignation letter. I can't wait to see Don's face when he finds out he quit. Hehe.

But then just when I thought everything was going my way, my computer became infected with some kind of antivirus virus. It keeps popping ads up on the screen so it is impossible to use. I've had to do everything manually all afternoon. Do you know how long it takes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire? I had to stay late to finish the game I'd started.

Right before I left I read a memo from the Big Guy introducing a new rule: No drinking at your desk. I'm not too upset about it though, there's 37 other desks in that office. To end this post I'd just like to offer a big thank you to all of those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the highway. It really brightens up my drive to work. THANK YOU!

See ya later ...

Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Its Almost Easter

Just for fun, no harm intended, but I am prepared for the hate mail anyway.

So how many witnesses do they actually need before Jehovah's trial starts? Another one came to my door last Saturday but this one didn't get to enjoy my usual witty remarks. She brought along her little daughter, and its just not right to ridicule a person in front of their child. Hell she might be right and I just couldn't concentrate on my poker hand if I had to babysit her kid in hell because I destroyed the little one's belief.

I didn't notice whether or not she had a cross around her neck but I sometimes wonder if the first thing Jesus wants to see upon his return will be a bunch of freekin' crosses. I mean do you think if JFK came back he would want to meet with a group of fans wearing little rifles on their lapels?

I try not to laugh when I listen to these people. But people who don't want to be laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. I mean isn't this all about one woman's lie about an affair that got totally out of hand?

In case you are not familiar with Christianity it goes something like this:

You must believe that a Jewish lady who never had sex, gave birth to a baby who never did anything wrong his whole childhood. When he became a man he died, was interned, but came back to life and flew into the clouds without a spaceship or even an airplane. He left instructions that you must symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood, but in the book his dad wrote you're not supposed to eat catfish or lobster. You must telepathically tell him he is your master, and you must never masturbate. If you have enough faith, he'll forgive you for doing evil things, which you do because a woman who was created perfectly, listened to a talking snake who convinced her to climb a magical tree and eat the one thing in the world she shouldn't eat (besides catfish, crab, lobster, pig, rabbit, oyster, shrimp, ostrich, clams, mussel, frogs, so on and so forth ....) that enabled her to know good from bad by the way. And you have to refrain from work one day a week. Well if one day is good, then two must be better me thinks.

This all makes perfect sense to me. But this next part just seems mean. You get the little boys and girls all dressed up, let them fill their tiny little baskets with eggs, then sit them down under a picture of a half naked guy with blood running down his face, nailed to railroad ties, surrounded by men with spears. How are they gonna enjoy their eggs looking at that?

Well I guess someone should pray for me now. Gotta go. See ya