Tuesday, April 7, 2009

Its Almost Easter

Just for fun, no harm intended, but I am prepared for the hate mail anyway.

So how many witnesses do they actually need before Jehovah's trial starts? Another one came to my door last Saturday but this one didn't get to enjoy my usual witty remarks. She brought along her little daughter, and its just not right to ridicule a person in front of their child. Hell she might be right and I just couldn't concentrate on my poker hand if I had to babysit her kid in hell because I destroyed the little one's belief.

I didn't notice whether or not she had a cross around her neck but I sometimes wonder if the first thing Jesus wants to see upon his return will be a bunch of freekin' crosses. I mean do you think if JFK came back he would want to meet with a group of fans wearing little rifles on their lapels?

I try not to laugh when I listen to these people. But people who don't want to be laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. I mean isn't this all about one woman's lie about an affair that got totally out of hand?

In case you are not familiar with Christianity it goes something like this:

You must believe that a Jewish lady who never had sex, gave birth to a baby who never did anything wrong his whole childhood. When he became a man he died, was interned, but came back to life and flew into the clouds without a spaceship or even an airplane. He left instructions that you must symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood, but in the book his dad wrote you're not supposed to eat catfish or lobster. You must telepathically tell him he is your master, and you must never masturbate. If you have enough faith, he'll forgive you for doing evil things, which you do because a woman who was created perfectly, listened to a talking snake who convinced her to climb a magical tree and eat the one thing in the world she shouldn't eat (besides catfish, crab, lobster, pig, rabbit, oyster, shrimp, ostrich, clams, mussel, frogs, so on and so forth ....) that enabled her to know good from bad by the way. And you have to refrain from work one day a week. Well if one day is good, then two must be better me thinks.

This all makes perfect sense to me. But this next part just seems mean. You get the little boys and girls all dressed up, let them fill their tiny little baskets with eggs, then sit them down under a picture of a half naked guy with blood running down his face, nailed to railroad ties, surrounded by men with spears. How are they gonna enjoy their eggs looking at that?

Well I guess someone should pray for me now. Gotta go. See ya


  1. First off, the Easter Bunny hangin' on the cross is funny as fuck and blasphemous. Two wonderful qualities that always puts a rise in my pants. I'm praying for you with one hand and masturbating with the other while singing that Monty Python song, "Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life". Not sure if that's the actual title but that's the line I remember from the song. Anyway, I see what ya mean about Jesus seeing all those crosses on folks when he makes his star return. Gosh, imagine all the bad memories that would bring up!

    You're fuckin hysterical, man. I'm adding you to the blogroll and I'll be coming back again.

  2. And I pretty darned sure Jesus (Hey-suus for your his-pan-icks) doesn't want anyone driving a Lincoln convertible to pick him up at the aero-puerto.

  3. Eggs give me gas...kinda like Jehovah's Witnesses do for me too..I think I'm gonna go have a tenderized bunny meat omelet now.

  4. I read only half this post... but I still like you sir. :)

  5. Holy Mackerel!

    Hey, I might have started a new religion, there.

  6. hahahaha i never looked at easter like that before

  7. Great stuff! I'll save a seat for you in hell. As for the Jehovah's Witlesses...if there is only room in their heaven for 100,000 souls as they report why on earth do they go out and try to recruit? Seems to me they are giving up their place in heaven. Foolish. If I were a JW I'd never knock on a door. I'd lie to everyone to ensure that I had a place heaven.

  8. I love it! I'm forwarding this blog on to friends! Keep us laughing!

    And Happy Easter!

  9. lol , yes it could be seen as offensive but I am not one of those christians who abandoned their sense of humor when I chose to believe, and yeah I think the Jw's hit the 100,000 mark by now.....so why do they continue to recruit beats me

  10. I see what you sickos like. If I post more crap like that I'll soon be over the 100,000 reader mark and then the servers will crash, but first I'd sell boo-coos of ads, and then I'd buy an island, and then I'd drink myself to death, and then, well no and then.

    I've got to go make some shit up now. I mean write some more REAL STUFF about my daily life.