Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Top Thrill Dragster

"Keep Arms Down, Head Back, and Hold On!"

Get ready for the ride of your life. This amazing speed machine is one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters on Earth. Climb aboard unique dragster-style trains and inch forward to the starting line. The engine revs. Your heart pumps. The tree lights count down to green and you're launched to speeds of 120 mph in less than 4 seconds.

The ride's just getting started as you climb 420 feet into the air, crest a massive hill and spiral 270 degrees as you speed towards the finish line. The entire experience is over in 17 seconds.

The following pictures were emailed to me with the statement "Don't know what would be more fun. Riding the coaster or watching people disembark." You'll understand when you get to the last pic.

Sunday, May 10, 2009

For You Mom

It being mothers day our family spent the the afternoon reminiscing about good times growing up.

My oldest brother Ken, remembered the time he got caught sneaking some ice cream right before supper. This was before the rest of us were born. Mom walked into the kitchen and and yelled “Supper is in the oven. Put that ice cream away and go play until the food is on the table.”

But mom, Ken cried, There's nobody to play with!

OK, mom said, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?

I want to play house. You be the mom and I'll be daddy. You go into the living room, and I'll be there in a minute. A couple minutes later Ken struts into the front room wearing one of dad's hats, chomping on one of his cigars, and mom said “Welcome home dear, how was your day?”
Ken said “Never mind how my day was, get your butt up out of that chair and fix your kid some ice cream!”

OK, that didn't really happen, but there was that time when we were little, and my sister shared a shocking secret at the supper table. She told everyone that Kens best friend Kevin had a weenie like a peanut. Mom asked “Do you mean its little?”
She said “No, its salty.”

OK, that didn't really happen. But there was that time when it was asked “Mom I'm 12 now. Can I wear a bra?”
“No Michael.”

My mother used to be quite the ventriloquist. She was always throwing her voice to make us laugh. Sometimes it wasn't funny though. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

But growing up my mother was just like a sister to me. Well except we didn't have sex as often. So this post is for you mom. I love you!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

There was an explosion at a pie factory in town today. 3.14159265 people died. But I have plans for the land and YOU can get in on the ground floor.

This is an excellent opportunity for all you wonderful people. I am creating a new alcoholic drink called "Responsibly", and you, yes YOU, get the first opportunity to invest.

I believe everyone in the country should get shit faced by drinking "Responsibly". Every other beer manufacturer will advertise OUR product on their can with the slogan "Please drink Responsibly". The government will run public service announcements promoting US.

My cousin who attends the Port Charlotte Fairgrounds Law School, said it sounds legal to him. So invest away my good friends.

Friday, May 1, 2009

Happy B-day

Hooray. Today is my birthday. Before I left the house this morning my wife promised me something extra special when I got home. She told me I was going to get anal tonight. But it would be one night only, so I better enjoy it.

I was so excited all day. I told all my friends at work and they couldn't believe how lucky I was. I hurried home, parked crooked and almost forgot to close the car door.

So I skip through the front door all excited (yes I skipped), (anal, uh huh! uh huh!) and there she is. Standing in the middle of the living room, holding some k-y, naked as a jay bird, smiling from ear to ear, and ... she's wearing this huge fucking strap on. "Are ya ready for it?" she giggles.

Then she said "Do ya know the difference between jelly and jam?
Maybe I can't jelly this up your ass, but I sure can jam it"

One of us is sleeping on the couch tonight. I don't care who but one of us definitely is!