Monday, March 30, 2009

My Little Town's Darwin Awards

Yep these bright young hoodlums are right here in my little town. I don't know why I am telling you this. No one will want to move to this area if they find out how stupid some of the natives are. Ah, maybe thats why I'm sharing. We have enough snow bird Yankees here already. These must be their offspring.

February 12, 2009 ~ A Charlotte County man is arrested for robbing a gas station after his car runs out of gas during the getaway. (You should always pre-trip your work vehicle at the start of every shift.)

February 24, 2009 ~ A 16 year old burglarizes a residence leaving his crushed cell-phone outside the window, then hitchhikes his getaway. Police track down the youth, then call his cell phone which rings at the scene of the crime. (The lad is disappointed about losing his phone because he just bought five new ringtones.)

March 29, 2009 ~ A man gets arrested after attempting to rob a grocery store and leaves a jug behind that he says is a bomb. He gets nothing (because the staff realizes he's just the silly son of a Yankee) and he is arrested 18 minutes later while making his getaway on a bicycle.

October 8, 2008 ~ A man was arrested for burglarizing a Port Charlotte store. After posting bond, he was spotted in the jail parking lot checking doors on the vehicles, looking for an unlocked car. He was pulled from a pickup after refusing to get out, claiming his wife was late picking him up and he was just looking for a cell phone to call her with. (He has one call left.)

July 18, 2008 ~ A local two year old girl was caught with a green leafy substance in her lunch box. Turns out her parents were divorced and the child has two lunch boxes, so it wasn't immediately clear where the pot came from. (I think a teacher found the marijuana after looking in the lunch box because the child had the munchies.)

March 16, 2009 ~ Ok, this one is over the county line but close enough to make the list. A 21 year old genius shoots himself in the leg and doesn't even have a gun. He was sitting in the driveway banging bullets with a hammer when one exploded, (unfortunately missing his head). The event was witnessed by the children of his room mate who was already under investigation for not supervising the children.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Google Street View

I have a terrible feeling I'm being watched.

I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. And a similar van has been outside my workplace. It's probably my wife having someone take pictures of me. Recently she put a magnet on the refrigerator that says:

Your Husband is the only one

of your children who will never

Grow Up or Move Away.

This just proves how much she loves me. She's probably feeling a little insecure since I applied for a promotion to the cart-pusher job at work. She must think I'll outgrow her and move onto something bigger and better. Well nothing could be bigger to me than my precious moo-moo. I'll stay with her through thick and thicker. So don't worry darling, I'll never grow up, or move away. I'm yours forever!

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Sweet Revenge

Yes its a little cruel but oh so funny.

She's playing with my gun, and now I'm going to get revenge, the way any husband should ...

Monday, March 16, 2009

The 'Special' Date

Joe has been seeing a special girl now for about three weeks. I have met her and I don't want to be critical but I don't think her driveway goes all the way to the road. I mean she has gone out with Joe more than once. What does that say? But at least Joe realizes she has a problem. On Friday he asked me where he could get some window flavored condoms.

She is a proper “special” girl so the dates have all ended with nothing more than a kiss so far. Joe figured if he could get her to his apartment, the setting would be more appropriate for advancing the relationship. So he convinced her to come over so he could show off his cooking skills. But poor Joe has an unorthodox sense of humor, and some people just don't know how to take him.

While he was preparing their dinner, he said with a straight face, “God designed women to stay in the kitchen and cook you know.” Well this girl may be slow but she's not stupid. She has ambition and a better job than he does, as a matter of fact, and she let him know it. Joe wouldn't let it go though. He said “Yet men make much better cooks than women. I guess all you're really good for is cleaning up. Could you start with this pan?”

Then she comes unglued. “Talk to the hand” she yelled. Well Joe said the hand wouldn't listen and he started talking to his own hand to demonstrate. As the night progressed, the girl left, Joe kept talking to his hand, things went fairly well, and before Joe knew it, he and his hand were in bed having great sex.

I'm not usually a praying man but 'Thank you God, for letting me not be Joe.'

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Mike's wife here

Hello Readers. I am Mikes wife and I have logged into his blog to share a few things I feel you should know about this sicko husband of mine.

First of all, every time I get on the computer to check my email, Mike sneaks up behind me and takes advantage of me against my will!

Honestly, it's like he koafio kfjp[aokf kopakf .fa..x54 afkopka, kf ;a ' ld;',,x,,.,.



Friday, March 13, 2009

I want to be a greeter

When I become financially independent or unemployed due to incompetence, I want to take a job for a day at Wal-Mart. As a greeter. I think I would be good at this because I would help people out as they came through the door.

For instance when an overweight person walked through the door I would say:

“We have dresses on sale in the extra extra large department, was you aware of that? There's a sale on fried chicken and Ho-Ho's too. And don't forget to pick up your free 3 liter bottle of diet coke when you buy a 12 pack of giant cinnamon rolls.”


“Hello friendly white trash family, welcome to Wal-mart. Two for one on wife beater t-shirts. Busch beer is on sale. Don't bother going down that aisle. Theres nothing there but toothpaste, shampoo, and soap. Nothing you're going to use.”

Or maybe I'll just lay on the beach. Probably live longer fighting sun cancer.

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

I Apologize

Following a joke I made last week about the Holy Qur'an, I've gotten a large number of private messages from Muslim readers of this blog and I would like to make the following statement:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

(next week I take aim at Christians, Hindus, and the Church of The FSM)

Sunday, March 8, 2009

I Have A Library

After 3 years in my house, I just found out I have a library down the street. Man they sure kept that place quiet. Anyway, I went in there to check out a book on suicide. Can you believe that the lady behind the desk told me to go to hell? She said I wouldn't bring it back.

They have a video section there as well. I asked if they had any DVDs about some people stranded on a tropical desert island, and the worker in that area told me to get lost. I can't believe how rude some people can be.

I did find one person I thought was helpful though. She taught me I should never judge a book by the cover. I should use the paragraph on the back. It tells you what the book is about. And just when I thought she was showing some respect for me and trying to help, she pipes up with a recommendation for some silly book saying 'its a real page turner.' Like I don't know how a book works!

I finally found a book and checked it out. Its called Psycho the Rapist. Funny thing though, on the cover all the words are run together so it looks like Psychotherapist. Isn't that hilarious. Catch ya later ...

Friday, March 6, 2009

Things I have Learned

Statistically, 20% of women find this blog offensive.
The other 80% are in the kitchen, where they should be!

6 out of 7 dwarfs are not Happy!
1 out of 3 Americans weigh as much as the other 2 put together.
9 out of 10 men prefer large breasts. The 10th man prefers the 9 men.
9 out of 9 women are annoying when the speak.
3 out of 4 people make up 75% of the population.
4 out of 3 people prefer english to math.
9 out of 10 people enjoy gang rape.
1 out of 6 people have had sex at work. (shouldn't that should be 2 out of 12)

50% of people believe that sex is "the connecting of two people's souls through two people's bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.

It is said that the average male will have sex 2580 times during his life. Statistically, that means I am going to live until I'm 197. And finally, according to a recent survey by the Academy of Incomplete Research, nine out of ten

Wednesday, March 4, 2009

She was 98

I attended church tonight for old times sake. As the end of the sermon on love and all that crap was coming to an end, the preacher asked the congregation “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Well about 8 out of every 10 people raised their hands.

The minister asked again, a little louder. Everybody raised their hand this time except one little old lady.
“Miss Mary, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any” she replied smiling as only little old ladies can.
“Miss Mary, that is quite unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety and Eight” she said.
“Well, Miss Mary, would you be kind enough to come to the front of the hall and share with us how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?”

The sweet little grandmother slowly paced down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

“I outlived the bitches.”

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

I want 50 babies (at least!)

This video is an indirect parody inspired by Nadya Suleman, a lady who had 8 babies via in vitro fertilization while not having a job, and already having 6 children, making 14 kids and no money.

Personally I don't know what will become of the kids, no one does. It could be that one of them will come up with a cure for a yet unknown disease, or perhaps lead the world closer to a lasting peace, but it the mean time lets take a break from the hate and have some fun.

This girl is someone I would love to hang out with.

Monday, March 2, 2009

Home At Last

I'm back at a computer after a minor life changing event. I've been out of it for the last couple of weeks for reasons we won't go into, but while I was recouping I had a dream. I dreamed that someday chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned. No wait, not that dream ...

I dreamed that I robbed a bank. I got 15 million dollars in debt. While running away, I was being chased by a police dog. Unfortunately I tried to escape from the dog by crawling through a tunnel, running over a see-saw, and jumping through a hoop of fire. The animal finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

I got some good news while I was in the jail in this dream. I heard that the prison population has been ballooning for the past 10 years. I mean it would be the thrill of my lifetime to go ballooning. Most law abiding citizens can only dream of that. Then I started waking up and the TV was on a news channel in my room. The first thing I remember hearing was that 60,000 people had lost their homes in America. Now how stupid do you have to be to forget where you live?

In the hospital my roommate was a crazy pet lover. He convinced me that testing cosmetics on animals was wrong. Even though my dog looks fucking hot in lipstick, I guess I agree. When I got home I found a package of Viagra I had ordered off the internet. Not being sure of its quality I thought I'd try it on the dog first. Boy his ass is going to hurt for days.

Well, thanks for dropping by. I've got to take my meds now. I missed you. Catch you later ...