Wednesday, February 11, 2009

Hotel Porn

I just had to share this with you. Some people are so sick these days. As I was checking into this hotel tonight on business, the guy in front of me said in a snooty voice “Please tell me the porn channel is disabled.”

It's just disgusting what some people are into, isn't it?

That reminds me of something I read in People magazine recently. It seems many actors have been discouraged from working with children or animals. Especially in the porn industry. See ya.

Monday, February 9, 2009

Busted at the Mall

It started out as a laid back sort of weekend. I escorted my lovely wife to the mall for some retail therapy and to be patriotic by stimulating the local economy. Big place that mall, and Theresa didn't bring her cell phone. When we got separated and I couldn't find her for about two hours, well I had to improvise.

So I walked up to this drop dead gorgeous blond and said “I've lost my wife here in the mall so do you mind if I talk to you for a couple minutes?” The woman looked at me without smiling and asked “Why do you want to talk to me?” With a grin from ear to ear I replied “Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.” Before I could get all that out Theresa starts tapping on my shoulder.

“Do you want to die in this mall tonight?” she asked, and I said “No honey I want to die making sweet passionate love to you.” Then she snickered “Well at least we know it will be fast.”

But thats not where this story ends. As we were walking into the dollar discount theater who should I see but a guy off America's Most Wanted, who is being sought for several rapes and murders. Well by God I'm not going to just let this asshole walk away, so I run across the lobby as fast as I can, dive through the air for a good three feet and tackle the bum. While he was down, I kicked him and punched him and choked him until he lost consciousness. Then I sat on him until the police arrived and arrested me.

Thats right arrested me. Apparently they use actors on that show.
Anyway I made bail, and lived to blog another day. Catch ya later.

Tuesday, February 3, 2009

Relationship Roundup

Joe didn't have his usual blind date last Friday. He had lined up a date with a deaf girl he met online. She didn't show though. She emailed him Saturday morning with some lame excuse about falling asleep and not hearing her alarm.

I'm a little bit worried about him. He's gotten so lonely he's shaved one leg just so it feels like he's in bed with a woman. I hope he meets a nice girl soon.

On the other hand Big Jim has met a girl. Because of her he had to go to the emergency room over the weekend to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Unfortunately she found the ring in the pocket of his pants and used some olive oil to slip it onto his penis while he slept.

Now what do you think is worse?
  1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
  2. Trying to explain to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
  3. Finding out your wedding ring fits on your penis.
Enough about Big Jim. Glenn has made up with his significant other. She has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh and Glenn swears that if you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean. He doesn't mind that though as long as she keeps giving him better and better blow jobs every week. She is trying to convince him to leave his wife. He's screwed when she finds out he isn't even married.

And finally Theresa is not talking to me. Its all because I didn't open the car door for her. But its really not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface. If our government had spent a little more money on our highways and on guard rails instead of grants to aid third world toad eating toenail biting single parents with adult lesbian children who smoke, this never would have happened. Thats all I have to say about that.

Now I have to go call in sick to work. I'll write more later ...

Monday, February 2, 2009


.ǝǝɹʇ ɹɐ11op ǝɥʇ ʇɐ pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐ1 ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ