Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Female Problems

My friend Glenn called and was a little bummed out about having another fight with his girlfriend. He kicked her out this time but I can understand why. I mean she is always going on and on about her female problems. So what if she has missed two fuck!ing periods. Big Deal. Get over it.

Glenn and I have decided to go protest down at the abortion clinic later tonight. And to show them we mean business we plan on taking eggs and throwing them at the building. We're really upset about all this taking life before it is even born.

I'm not in any hurry to go home after work cause I had a little fight with my lady too. All I said was "there are three things about you that I really can't stand."

She says "Oh no, what are they?"

I said "Your chin."

Monday, December 29, 2008

Best Friend

A dog is truly a man's best friend.

If you don't believe it, just try this experiment.

Lock your dog and your wife in the trunk of your car for an hour.

When you open the trunk, which one is truly happy to see you?

Sunday, December 28, 2008


Theresa was just telling me about her interesting adventure at the market this morning.

After she had chosen all her grocery necessities for the day, you know Twinkies, potato chips, frozen pizza, and diet Mountain Dew, she proceeded to the check out line.

After the clerk had rang up her items Theresa leaned across the counter to present the checker with her coupons (she is such a thrifty shopper) and the craziest thing happened. Her blouse opened just enough for the scanning devise to catch a glimpse of her stretch marks and BAM! The computer proceeds to ring up a side of beef. True Story! Honest!

Makes me glad that I got her that Jenny Craig gift certificate for Christmas.

Saturday, December 27, 2008


My friend Joe (the computer geek) has finally decided on his new year resolution. 1024 x 768. I'll let you think on that a while.

I need a new years resolution. I don't want to have more than one because the ADD might kick in and I'll get nothing accomplished. So I've narrowed it down to 3 choices.

  1. Post at least once a week on this here blog so that my future grandchildren can someday read the deep thoughts of a stick-in-the-mud hermit who hardly ever speaks to their parents.
  2. Stop getting my work done on time at the office. My co-workers hate me because I make everyone else look bad. They have told me that I have taken a perfectly good job and fucked it up. I'm afraid my good work ethic may eventually cause me to become an isolated, depressed, social reject, who may become so dejected that I take my life before I become ultimate ruler of all time and space eternal. And besides, it is cutting into my blogging time.
  3. Stop procrastinating.

I don't know. I'm leaning towards number three but I'll decide for sure next month. Maybe.

Right now I'm going to take this hook out of my ass and go get some sun. Later ...

Friday, December 26, 2008


Theresa asked me if I'd like to see her in something long and flowing this New Year's Eve.

I said, "The Mississippi would be nice."

I had to pay for being witty so we went shopping. As soon as we arrive at the mall my lovely wife gets her usual Auntie Anne's pretzel and I get my usual facial tic. I must have been quite a sight because some polite young children stopped to tell me to say no to drugs. I told them I didn't talk to drugs and that they should go see a shrink.

I found a mood ring on sale and bought it for Theresa. I was tired of her mood swings and wanted to monitor her mood for my own good. Before we left the mall I found out that when she is in a good mood the ring turns green. But when she is in a bad mood it leaves a huge painful red mark on my fuck!ng forehead.

I saw the police taking a statement from a dwarf that had gotten pick pocketed in one of the stores, and I am still asking myself, how could anyone stoop so low?

Anyway, this day is done but I will sleep well tonight knowing that I have done my part to prop up our failing economy. I'll catch you later ...


My grandma lived to be 98 years old. What a sense of humor she had.

She was telling me about how when she was a girl she could go the store with a quarter and come home with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 2 quarts of milk, a whole chicken, and a pack of smokes.

I said well Grandma that's inflation for you. She said inflation my ass! It's all those fucking security cameras they have these days! Yeah, my grandma was a riot.

I don't smoke anymore but back when I did I was driving along one day and flicked my cigarette out the window. I drove another couple of miles and then started to smell something funny coming from the back seat. I turned around and sure enough ... grandma was fingering herself again. BTW that car is still for sale 6 years later. eww.

Thursday, December 25, 2008

Merry Christmas

So my wife (Theresa) walks into the bed room where I am still sleeping and announces that she and her family are going to Mass, would I like to come? Groggily I point out that it is not Sunday and ask why she is putting on blue jeans for church. "You don't have to get dressed up to go to church. You don't have to dress up to be a good person" she stated. "And besides" I added "God has seen you naked, masturbating in the shower, so he'll probably think this is an improvement." For some reason she didn't think that was funny.

She said this is Jesus' birthday, and I should stop being a smart ass for a few hours and show a little love for mankind. I stuttered that I've decided that I love Jews. She stared at me. I said yep, they taste just like chicken. Silence once again. Let me ask you the reader something. Is there such a thing as a full-blooded Jew? Cause all the ones I know only claim to be Jew-ish.

Later in the day my mother-inlaw came over. She brought me a sweater that she knitted herself. She said she hoped it was what I wanted. I didn't have the balls to tell her what I really wanted was a ménage à trois with my wife and her 19 year old sister. At one time my number one sexual fantasy was to sleep with two women. Well that came true several years ago. Now my number one sexual fantasy is to sleep with two women who actually look like women.

This blog is a present from my brother Ken. He signed me up. Every time I'm in a good mood I start singing. Well whenever Ken is around and I am in a good mood (which is seldom) I'll start singing and he'll say "No..No..No. Write it down Mike. It sounds better that way." I thought he was kidding until today.

My mom called from Washington State this morning. She said she couldn't sleep because some of her grandkids stayed over last night and they were running around the house.
She complained that they kept yelling things like "let us in" and "we're fucking freezing." Some kids are really self centered these days.

Well dinner is on the table, gotta go. Later ...