Monday, March 29, 2010

A Little Easter Cheer

It still makes me laugh when I think about all the lies my dad told me when I was young. You know, like how the Easter Bunny hid eggs for me to find and eat. And how Old St. Nick left presents for me because I was a decent kid all year. And how the Sodomy Fairy left me that skate board for ....

This being almost Easter I am reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses. II Mathark 3:42-43 “And before being hung upon the cross, Jesus spake unto the 12 disciples saying: Toucheth not my fucking Easter eggs! I'll be back for them on Monday.”

Jesus was a great guy with many talents. Like the time he turned some water into wine. But hell I know this guy named Pedro who turned an entire student loan into tequila, so there you go. I used to ask myself 'What Would Jesus Do' when I had a major problem. But hey, he let himself get crucified so maybe his decision making skills needed a little work.

When Jesus was on the cross and almost dead he motioned Mary over and spoke oh so softly, withering in pain and barely able to speak, he said “Take the nails out, Mary, take the nails out.”
Mary did just as he asked and as he began to fall forward he screamed “FEET FIRST YOU STUPID BITCH!”


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Role Play and FOOD

So my lovely wife Theresa steps into the shower with me and says “Look, its like a penis only smaller.” My reply was “Look its like my secretary, only fatter and with saggy tits.”

She then proceeds to tell me that there will be no sex tonight, as if that were an option, and I told her “ Lets try a little role play, it might spice things up. I'll pretend like I'm a rapist and you be the victim.” Shes all like “Hell No! You ain't touching me mister! Get your ass out of here.” And I'm thinking WOW! Shes really getting into this little game. Turns out that she's quite the actress. She should go to Hollywood cause she ended up convincing me that she really didn't want me.

The night ended with me getting the closest thing I've had to a blow job in 10 years. I washed my balls with her tooth brush.

But now onto something that really matters to me. On Saturday, May 8th of this year, the National Association of Letter Carriers is conducting their 18th annual food drive to help feed the hungry in our communities. This is an effort by the postal WORKERS not the post office. It is expected of them to deliver their mail AND pick up food to help feed the less fortunate in our towns, during their normal working hours. There will be no overtime pay for their efforts. Local Food Banks across the country will co-ordinate with the postal union to bring in and deliver to the needy over 1 billion pounds of food this year.

People are always wondering why we send aid to the rest of the world while people here at home are suffering. This is your chance to make a difference. The food brought in during this drive will help food banks fulfill their mission throughout the summer, and without YOUR help this will not be possible. If the postal workers in your area are thoughtful enough to put a bag in your box, I hope you will be thoughtful enough to fill it up and help our neighbors in need.

From my personal experience canned vegetables are plentiful. There is a shortage of canned meats like tuna, chunk chicken, and what the hell, Spam for that matter. Also needed are canned fruits, and complete meals such as stew, ravioli, and chicken and dumplings. Peanut butter, jelly and cereal are also hard to come by.

Please, please, if given the opportunity to give back to the community, this year give like you have never given before. Times are hard for many people who have supported food banks in the past, and they are counting on us today to help them get through these difficult times. THANK YOU!!!



Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Coveting Eyeglasses

So I was talking to Joe today about those evil atheists and I pointed out that without religion there is no basis for moral behavior. He comes back with some silly remark about how you can just fell feel when something is wrong and you shouldn't do it.

I noticed a sign on the wall that said “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I said life would be good if everyone would just do that, and then I pointed out to him that that was from the Bible. He said “No. It's in the Bible but someone had to think it first before they wrote it down, and it could have been a saying for centuries before the Bible was even written.

I agreed and said that if it was that important it probably would have been one of the commandments. Joe thought it was but I was sure it was not. He said but “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife" is. I pointed out to him that I didn't want to covet her, I just I want to fuck her. Hell I don't even own a covet.

Then Joe wanted to know what a covet was. Look for all I know its a cover for a Duvet. The conversation went down hill from there. I found out that Joe played sports in high school during that same visit though. He said his usual position was 'left out.' A while later Glenn joined us with his new eye glasses. He had just came from his ex-girlfriend's house and she told him they looked like birth control glasses. Nobody is going to lay him looking like that. All things considered it was a decent day. Looking forward to doing it again tomorrow.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

Driving For Dollars

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period.

That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are reporting me to me. Ah, free enterprise.

I was driving around the mall today looking for a space close to a door, when this little old lady pulled out of a space only three spots from the food court. I whipped into the space as quickly as I could and immediately I heard an angry beeping behind me.

A Mexican guy yelled out of his window “Hey yo can't take that space, I bean here nearly an hour.”

I got out, slammed my door and as I walked away I said “Well I've been here my whole damn life, so fuck off!”

On a brighter note I got my auto insurance reduced this week. I changed my occupation to pedophile. Apparently there is a discount for people who drive around slowly looking out for children. Yeah that's sick and twisted but maybe just a little bit funny?

Now a word of advice. If you are ever on a plane and find yourself next to someone who won't shut up just do this ... Open your laptop so that the offender can see the screen and type the following link. ... Shuts them up real quick every time!

Sunday, February 21, 2010


There can be problems with hiring staff suffering with learning disabilities. My boss wants a diverse staff that is representative of the general population, and with dyslexia affecting between 5 and 17% of people and since it does not effect intelligence, he hired a dyslexic as his personal assistant.

Come to find out there are some advantages that he couldn't have imagined when he brought this fine young lady on board. Today he discovered one of them when he sent her a memo to sack his cook. Needless to say she got a big raise.

AND ... today I got fired.

My boss let me go for creating a photo-shop image of his 16 year old daughter sucking my 14" tool, and emailing it to everyone in the department.

A few of my former co-workers thought it funny, the majority were disgusted, but I am just confused!

What the hell is photo-shop?

Monday, February 15, 2010


Do you know of any other Country that has named a State after a bucket of chicken?

I was in a KFC the other day and I had to stand in line for quite a few minutes before having my order taken. When I finally got to the counter the young lady said to me: “Sorry about your wait”. Well I told her “You're not so skinny yourself Chunky!” Then I felt bad. I remembered that is politically un-correct to insult the waitstaff before you get your food.

But this girl was super sized. I only imagine that when she sits in the tub, the water in the toilet bowl rises. I have found an easy way to get a large woman to lose 30 pounds though. I drink a 12 pack of Budweiser. It can work in reverse too. When she drinks I grow hair.

My lack of locks was caused by sudden onset baldness. My wife read in some magazine that she would have more fun if she shaved her twat. I woke up the next morning with no hair. Seriously I only realized I was going bald when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face.

Now before you disappear like my split ends ...

Why should you never have sex with a fat lady with AIDS?

What? You need a third reason?

Monday, February 8, 2010

Joe and Granny

My good friend Joe told me this afternoon that he can't come to work tomorrow because he has a date that is going to last all day. I suspect his date is February 9th, 2010.

Seriously though he did have a date this past weekend but she refuses to go out with him again. She called him “The Master of Idiotic Comparisons.” He was so upset. He said he felt just like a celery stalk on Ritalin.

The poor guy tries though. He had a steady girl for about a month. Then one afternoon, on their one month anniversary he texts her a steamy little note saying how he wanted to make hot passionate love to her all night long. Unfortunately he sent it to his Grandma. So he had to ditch his girl and drive to Miami to spend the night with Granny. So that was all of that.

I have to admit that his Grandma is HOT. She got some nipple rings back around the first of the year that she loves to show off. I do to feel just a little bit sorry for the old lady from time to time. It seems like every time she tries to walk around the house naked she keeps getting her big toes caught in them.

I know you wonder why I have been absent for awhile. Well it was all for your benefit. The time away was well spent doing research for a book I have titled “How To Avoid Getting Ripped Off Online.” If you will send a cashiers check or money order for $29.95 I will be more than delighted to send you an autographed copy, certain to go somewhere in value. Act within the next 10 minutes and you'll get not 1 but 147 copies sent directly to your in-box with absolutely no postage or handling charges.

Thanks for the comments during my absence, and be well my friends. Later .....