A Little Easter Cheer

It still makes me laugh when I think about all the lies my dad told me when I was young. You know, like how the Easter Bunny hid eggs for me to find and eat. And how Old St. Nick left presents for me because I was a decent kid all year. And how the Sodomy Fairy left me that skate board for ....

This being almost Easter I am reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses. II Mathark 3:42-43 “And before being hung upon the cross, Jesus spake unto the 12 disciples saying: Toucheth not my fucking Easter eggs! I'll be back for them on Monday.”

Jesus was a great guy with many talents. Like the time he turned some water into wine. But hell I know this guy named Pedro who turned an entire student loan into tequila, so there you go. I used to ask myself 'What Would Jesus Do' when I had a major problem. But hey, he let himself get crucified so maybe his decision making skills needed a little work.

When Jesus was on the cross and almost dead he motioned Mary over and spoke oh so softly, withering in pain and barely able to speak, he said “Take the nails out, Mary, take the nails out.”
Mary did just as he asked and as he began to fall forward he screamed “FEET FIRST YOU STUPID BITCH!”

HAPPY EASTER.

Listen to Gotta Be PC Playlist

Role Play and FOOD

So my lovely wife Theresa steps into the shower with me and says “Look, its like a penis only smaller.” My reply was “Look its like my secretary, only fatter and with saggy tits.”

She then proceeds to tell me that there will be no sex tonight, as if that were an option, and I told her “ Lets try a little role play, it might spice things up. I'll pretend like I'm a rapist and you be the victim.” Shes all like “Hell No! You ain't touching me mister! Get your ass out of here.” And I'm thinking WOW! Shes really getting into this little game. Turns out that she's quite the actress. She should go to Hollywood cause she ended up convincing me that she really didn't want me.

The night ended with me getting the closest thing I've had to a blow job in 10 years. I washed my balls with her tooth brush.

But now onto something that really matters to me. On Saturday, May 8th of this year, the National Association of Letter Carriers is conducting their 18th annual food drive to help feed the hungry in our communities. This is an effort by the postal WORKERS not the post office. It is expected of them to deliver their mail AND pick up food to help feed the less fortunate in our towns, during their normal working hours. There will be no overtime pay for their efforts. Local Food Banks across the country will co-ordinate with the postal union to bring in and deliver to the needy over 1 billion pounds of food this year.

People are always wondering why we send aid to the rest of the world while people here at home are suffering. This is your chance to make a difference. The food brought in during this drive will help food banks fulfill their mission throughout the summer, and without YOUR help this will not be possible. If the postal workers in your area are thoughtful enough to put a bag in your box, I hope you will be thoughtful enough to fill it up and help our neighbors in need.

From my personal experience canned vegetables are plentiful. There is a shortage of canned meats like tuna, chunk chicken, and what the hell, Spam for that matter. Also needed are canned fruits, and complete meals such as stew, ravioli, and chicken and dumplings. Peanut butter, jelly and cereal are also hard to come by.

Please, please, if given the opportunity to give back to the community, this year give like you have never given before. Times are hard for many people who have supported food banks in the past, and they are counting on us today to help them get through these difficult times. THANK YOU!!!

~Mike

Link to the NALC FOOD DRIVE

Coveting Eyeglasses

So I was talking to Joe today about those evil atheists and I pointed out that without religion there is no basis for moral behavior. He comes back with some silly remark about how you can just fell feel when something is wrong and you shouldn't do it.

I noticed a sign on the wall that said “Treat others the way you want to be treated.” I said life would be good if everyone would just do that, and then I pointed out to him that that was from the Bible. He said “No. It's in the Bible but someone had to think it first before they wrote it down, and it could have been a saying for centuries before the Bible was even written.

I agreed and said that if it was that important it probably would have been one of the commandments. Joe thought it was but I was sure it was not. He said but “Thou shalt not covet thy neighbors wife" is. I pointed out to him that I didn't want to covet her, I just I want to fuck her. Hell I don't even own a covet.

Then Joe wanted to know what a covet was. Look for all I know its a cover for a Duvet. The conversation went down hill from there. I found out that Joe played sports in high school during that same visit though. He said his usual position was 'left out.' A while later Glenn joined us with his new eye glasses. He had just came from his ex-girlfriend's house and she told him they looked like birth control glasses. Nobody is going to lay him looking like that. All things considered it was a decent day. Looking forward to doing it again tomorrow.

Driving For Dollars

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period.

That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are reporting me to me. Ah, free enterprise.

I was driving around the mall today looking for a space close to a door, when this little old lady pulled out of a space only three spots from the food court. I whipped into the space as quickly as I could and immediately I heard an angry beeping behind me.

A Mexican guy yelled out of his window “Hey yo can't take that space, I bean here nearly an hour.”

I got out, slammed my door and as I walked away I said “Well I've been here my whole damn life, so fuck off!”

On a brighter note I got my auto insurance reduced this week. I changed my occupation to pedophile. Apparently there is a discount for people who drive around slowly looking out for children. Yeah that's sick and twisted but maybe just a little bit funny?

Now a word of advice. If you are ever on a plane and find yourself next to someone who won't shut up just do this ... Open your laptop so that the offender can see the screen and type the following link. http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf ... Shuts them up real quick every time!

HIRING FIRING and CONFUSION

There can be problems with hiring staff suffering with learning disabilities. My boss wants a diverse staff that is representative of the general population, and with dyslexia affecting between 5 and 17% of people and since it does not effect intelligence, he hired a dyslexic as his personal assistant.

Come to find out there are some advantages that he couldn't have imagined when he brought this fine young lady on board. Today he discovered one of them when he sent her a memo to sack his cook. Needless to say she got a big raise.

AND ... today I got fired.

My boss let me go for creating a photo-shop image of his 16 year old daughter sucking my 14" tool, and emailing it to everyone in the department.

A few of my former co-workers thought it funny, the majority were disgusted, but I am just confused!

What the hell is photo-shop?

KFC

Do you know of any other Country that has named a State after a bucket of chicken?

I was in a KFC the other day and I had to stand in line for quite a few minutes before having my order taken. When I finally got to the counter the young lady said to me: “Sorry about your wait”. Well I told her “You're not so skinny yourself Chunky!” Then I felt bad. I remembered that is politically un-correct to insult the waitstaff before you get your food.

But this girl was super sized. I only imagine that when she sits in the tub, the water in the toilet bowl rises. I have found an easy way to get a large woman to lose 30 pounds though. I drink a 12 pack of Budweiser. It can work in reverse too. When she drinks I grow hair.

My lack of locks was caused by sudden onset baldness. My wife read in some magazine that she would have more fun if she shaved her twat. I woke up the next morning with no hair. Seriously I only realized I was going bald when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face.

Now before you disappear like my split ends ...

Why should you never have sex with a fat lady with AIDS?

What? You need a third reason?

Joe and Granny

My good friend Joe told me this afternoon that he can't come to work tomorrow because he has a date that is going to last all day. I suspect his date is February 9^th, 2010.

Seriously though he did have a date this past weekend but she refuses to go out with him again. She called him “The Master of Idiotic Comparisons.” He was so upset. He said he felt just like a celery stalk on Ritalin.

The poor guy tries though. He had a steady girl for about a month. Then one afternoon, on their one month anniversary he texts her a steamy little note saying how he wanted to make hot passionate love to her all night long. Unfortunately he sent it to his Grandma. So he had to ditch his girl and drive to Miami to spend the night with Granny. So that was all of that.

I have to admit that his Grandma is HOT. She got some nipple rings back around the first of the year that she loves to show off. I do to feel just a little bit sorry for the old lady from time to time. It seems like every time she tries to walk around the house naked she keeps getting her big toes caught in them.

I know you wonder why I have been absent for awhile. Well it was all for your benefit. The time away was well spent doing research for a book I have titled “How To Avoid Getting Ripped Off Online.” If you will send a cashiers check or money order for $29.95 I will be more than delighted to send you an autographed copy, certain to go somewhere in value. Act within the next 10 minutes and you'll get not 1 but 147 copies sent directly to your in-box with absolutely no postage or handling charges.

Thanks for the comments during my absence, and be well my friends. Later .....

An old joke

I came home from work tonight, sat down in my favorite chair, turned the TV on, and said to Theresa, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but she brought me a beer.

After I finished it, I said, "Quick Hun! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little upset, but she brought me one anyway.

When it was gone, I said, "Quickly Hun! One more beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and run errands all day long?"

Thats when I sighed. "Oh shit. Now it's started."

Top Thrill Dragster

"Keep Arms Down, Head Back, and Hold On!"

Get ready for the ride of your life. This amazing speed machine is one of the tallest and fastest roller coasters on Earth. Climb aboard unique dragster-style trains and inch forward to the starting line. The engine revs. Your heart pumps. The tree lights count down to green and you're launched to speeds of 120 mph in less than 4 seconds.

The ride's just getting started as you climb 420 feet into the air, crest a massive hill and spiral 270 degrees as you speed towards the finish line. The entire experience is over in 17 seconds.

The following pictures were emailed to me with the statement "Don't know what would be more fun. Riding the coaster or watching people disembark." You'll understand when you get to the last pic.

For You Mom

It being mothers day our family spent the the afternoon reminiscing about good times growing up.

My oldest brother Ken, remembered the time he got caught sneaking some ice cream right before supper. This was before the rest of us were born. Mom walked into the kitchen and and yelled “Supper is in the oven. Put that ice cream away and go play until the food is on the table.”

But mom, Ken cried, There's nobody to play with!

OK, mom said, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?

I want to play house. You be the mom and I'll be daddy. You go into the living room, and I'll be there in a minute. A couple minutes later Ken struts into the front room wearing one of dad's hats, chomping on one of his cigars, and mom said “Welcome home dear, how was your day?”
Ken said “Never mind how my day was, get your butt up out of that chair and fix your kid some ice cream!”

OK, that didn't really happen, but there was that time when we were little, and my sister shared a shocking secret at the supper table. She told everyone that Kens best friend Kevin had a weenie like a peanut. Mom asked “Do you mean its little?”
She said “No, its salty.”

OK, that didn't really happen. But there was that time when it was asked “Mom I'm 12 now. Can I wear a bra?”
“No Michael.”

My mother used to be quite the ventriloquist. She was always throwing her voice to make us laugh. Sometimes it wasn't funny though. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

But growing up my mother was just like a sister to me. Well except we didn't have sex as often. So this post is for you mom. I love you!

There was an explosion at a pie factory in town today. 3.14159265 people died. But I have plans for the land and YOU can get in on the ground floor.

This is an excellent opportunity for all you wonderful people. I am creating a new alcoholic drink called "Responsibly", and you, yes YOU, get the first opportunity to invest.

I believe everyone in the country should get shit faced by drinking "Responsibly". Every other beer manufacturer will advertise OUR product on their can with the slogan "Please drink Responsibly". The government will run public service announcements promoting US.

My cousin who attends the Port Charlotte Fairgrounds Law School, said it sounds legal to him. So invest away my good friends.

Happy B-day

Hooray. Today is my birthday. Before I left the house this morning my wife promised me something extra special when I got home. She told me I was going to get anal tonight. But it would be one night only, so I better enjoy it.

I was so excited all day. I told all my friends at work and they couldn't believe how lucky I was. I hurried home, parked crooked and almost forgot to close the car door.

So I skip through the front door all excited (yes I skipped), (anal, uh huh! uh huh!) and there she is. Standing in the middle of the living room, holding some k-y, naked as a jay bird, smiling from ear to ear, and ... she's wearing this huge fucking strap on. "Are ya ready for it?" she giggles.

Then she said "Do ya know the difference between jelly and jam?
Maybe I can't jelly this up your ass, but I sure can jam it"

One of us is sleeping on the couch tonight. I don't care who but one of us definitely is!

The Swine Flu

All I heard on the news this weekend was a pig flu, a pig flu, a pig flu. I thought that was impossible, but you know what this means? My wife owes me some lovely favors. She always said .... When pigs fly ...

My brother Ken has a son, Travis, and his class was talking about this disease. The teacher was explaining the word "contagious" to the students, and after her lesson she asked the kids to use the word in a sentence. I guess the first one to go was her pet and he said "You can catch the swine flu because it is contagious."

She brags on him and asks someone else to try.

Next Travis' "girl friend" gets picked and she says "I caught chicken pox last year and couldn't go out to play because I was contagious."

Again the teacher brags on the kid and asks "Anyone else?"

So then Travis jumps up (and I can just hear his Tennessee drawl), "Our neighbor is paintin his house with a 2 inch brush, and my daddy says it will take the contagious."

Ken is picking Travis up after detention for the rest of the week.

10 Things

Like most people my age, I'm 47. I hardly ever call my mother so she called me today and said she's worried I might be getting Alzheimer's. I told her she should forget about it, I would. It seemed like we had had that conversation before though. Do people with Alzheimer's have deja vu?

I was going to try to go back to school and get some higher learnin but apparently I flunked my history exam. Seems that "Through three hundred years of inbreeding" is the totally wrong answer to the question “How has Bible belt culture evolved?”

So that leaves me with time on my hands. I'm going to make a list of 10 things I would like to do before I die.

1. I want to learn how to say “keep the noise down” in sign language.

2. I want to stop putting things off, and always finish what I sta

Meet The Neighbors

Ok, we've talked about Muslims and Christians, and soon we'll set the record straight about those lousy lying atheists, but today I want to introduce you to my new neighbors.

On the way across my neighbors back yard to greet the new arrivals, I spotted something I'd never seen before. Used teabags hanging on a clothesline. I thought they must be protesting the government's spending policies. I met the young couple at their door and they invited me in, and there, on the kitchen table was a fork in the sugar bowl. Thats Strange. It was a perfectly good house they had bought but on the first day they were installing double glazed windows they had bought on sale, in order they said “To keep the kids from hearing the ice cream trucks.”

It was then that I knew my new neighbors were Jewish. I don't keep up on events in the Middle East so I wasn't sure what we would talk about, and I blurted “Is there such a thing as a full blooded Jew?” Their jaws dropped and I knew I had better say something fast so I followed with “I ask because all the Jews I have met only claim to be Jew-ish.”

Luckily the husband had a sense of humor and knew I was feeling a little self conscious about now, so he said “Have you ever said something and immediately wished you could take it back?” Before I could respond he said “Like ... Yeah I'm a Jew. You skin heads want to do something about it?”

I knew right then we were going to get along just fine.

Their moving in reminds me of the ad I put in the paper last month for a new hire for my company. In order to cut down on the dead trees we use to print applications, and to save them gas and the trouble of driving across town, I stated that Muslims and Jews need not apply. Well the Jews couldn't care less, the Muslims thought it was no big deal, but the damned government has served me with a court summons for discrimination. I butcher pigs for goodness sake!

Well, I'll see you in court. Later ...

A Day At The Office

I had to interview people for an opening at work today. The first guy was fresh out of college and seemed quite competent, plus he is a real people person. The second guy has a degree and three years experience. The woman has two degrees and seven years experience. Of course I hired the woman. Hell I can get her for half the pay. Now understand I'm all for sexual equality. That's why I allow all my female staffers to work overtime so they can earn the same as my guys.

Over the weekend I had met up with Don (a co-worker) and accused him of calling in sick in order to go play golf. He informed me I was wrong, and he had the fish to prove it. So after lunch today I handed in a resignation letter. I can't wait to see Don's face when he finds out he quit. Hehe.

But then just when I thought everything was going my way, my computer became infected with some kind of antivirus virus. It keeps popping ads up on the screen so it is impossible to use. I've had to do everything manually all afternoon. Do you know how long it takes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire? I had to stay late to finish the game I'd started.

Right before I left I read a memo from the Big Guy introducing a new rule: No drinking at your desk. I'm not too upset about it though, there's 37 other desks in that office. To end this post I'd just like to offer a big thank you to all of those people who have taken the time to put lovely bouquets of flowers by the side of the highway. It really brightens up my drive to work. THANK YOU!

See ya later ...

Its Almost Easter

Just for fun, no harm intended, but I am prepared for the hate mail anyway.

So how many witnesses do they actually need before Jehovah's trial starts? Another one came to my door last Saturday but this one didn't get to enjoy my usual witty remarks. She brought along her little daughter, and its just not right to ridicule a person in front of their child. Hell she might be right and I just couldn't concentrate on my poker hand if I had to babysit her kid in hell because I destroyed the little one's belief.

I didn't notice whether or not she had a cross around her neck but I sometimes wonder if the first thing Jesus wants to see upon his return will be a bunch of freekin' crosses. I mean do you think if JFK came back he would want to meet with a group of fans wearing little rifles on their lapels?

I try not to laugh when I listen to these people. But people who don't want to be laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. I mean isn't this all about one woman's lie about an affair that got totally out of hand?

In case you are not familiar with Christianity it goes something like this:

You must believe that a Jewish lady who never had sex, gave birth to a baby who never did anything wrong his whole childhood. When he became a man he died, was interned, but came back to life and flew into the clouds without a spaceship or even an airplane. He left instructions that you must symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood, but in the book his dad wrote you're not supposed to eat catfish or lobster. You must telepathically tell him he is your master, and you must never masturbate. If you have enough faith, he'll forgive you for doing evil things, which you do because a woman who was created perfectly, listened to a talking snake who convinced her to climb a magical tree and eat the one thing in the world she shouldn't eat (besides catfish, crab, lobster, pig, rabbit, oyster, shrimp, ostrich, clams, mussel, frogs, so on and so forth ....) that enabled her to know good from bad by the way. And you have to refrain from work one day a week. Well if one day is good, then two must be better me thinks.

This all makes perfect sense to me. But this next part just seems mean. You get the little boys and girls all dressed up, let them fill their tiny little baskets with eggs, then sit them down under a picture of a half naked guy with blood running down his face, nailed to railroad ties, surrounded by men with spears. How are they gonna enjoy their eggs looking at that?

Well I guess someone should pray for me now. Gotta go. See ya

My Little Town's Darwin Awards

Yep these bright young hoodlums are right here in my little town. I don't know why I am telling you this. No one will want to move to this area if they find out how stupid some of the natives are. Ah, maybe thats why I'm sharing. We have enough snow bird Yankees here already. These must be their offspring.

February 12, 2009 ~ A Charlotte County man is arrested for robbing a gas station after his car runs out of gas during the getaway. (You should always pre-trip your work vehicle at the start of every shift.)

February 24, 2009 ~ A 16 year old burglarizes a residence leaving his crushed cell-phone outside the window, then hitchhikes his getaway. Police track down the youth, then call his cell phone which rings at the scene of the crime. (The lad is disappointed about losing his phone because he just bought five new ringtones.)

March 29, 2009 ~ A man gets arrested after attempting to rob a grocery store and leaves a jug behind that he says is a bomb. He gets nothing (because the staff realizes he's just the silly son of a Yankee) and he is arrested 18 minutes later while making his getaway on a bicycle.

October 8, 2008 ~ A man was arrested for burglarizing a Port Charlotte store. After posting bond, he was spotted in the jail parking lot checking doors on the vehicles, looking for an unlocked car. He was pulled from a pickup after refusing to get out, claiming his wife was late picking him up and he was just looking for a cell phone to call her with. (He has one call left.)

July 18, 2008 ~ A local two year old girl was caught with a green leafy substance in her lunch box. Turns out her parents were divorced and the child has two lunch boxes, so it wasn't immediately clear where the pot came from. (I think a teacher found the marijuana after looking in the lunch box because the child had the munchies.)

March 16, 2009 ~ Ok, this one is over the county line but close enough to make the list. A 21 year old genius shoots himself in the leg and doesn't even have a gun. He was sitting in the driveway banging bullets with a hammer when one exploded, (unfortunately missing his head). The event was witnessed by the children of his room mate who was already under investigation for not supervising the children.

Google Street View

I have a terrible feeling I'm being watched.

I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. And a similar van has been outside my workplace. It's probably my wife having someone take pictures of me. Recently she put a magnet on the refrigerator that says:

Your Husband is the only one

of your children who will never

Grow Up or Move Away.

This just proves how much she loves me. She's probably feeling a little insecure since I applied for a promotion to the cart-pusher job at work. She must think I'll outgrow her and move onto something bigger and better. Well nothing could be bigger to me than my precious moo-moo. I'll stay with her through thick and thicker. So don't worry darling, I'll never grow up, or move away. I'm yours forever!