Monday, March 29, 2010

A Little Easter Cheer

It still makes me laugh when I think about all the lies my dad told me when I was young. You know, like how the Easter Bunny hid eggs for me to find and eat. And how Old St. Nick left presents for me because I was a decent kid all year. And how the Sodomy Fairy left me that skate board for ....

This being almost Easter I am reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses. II Mathark 3:42-43 “And before being hung upon the cross, Jesus spake unto the 12 disciples saying: Toucheth not my fucking Easter eggs! I'll be back for them on Monday.”

Jesus was a great guy with many talents. Like the time he turned some water into wine. But hell I know this guy named Pedro who turned an entire student loan into tequila, so there you go. I used to ask myself 'What Would Jesus Do' when I had a major problem. But hey, he let himself get crucified so maybe his decision making skills needed a little work.

When Jesus was on the cross and almost dead he motioned Mary over and spoke oh so softly, withering in pain and barely able to speak, he said “Take the nails out, Mary, take the nails out.”
Mary did just as he asked and as he began to fall forward he screamed “FEET FIRST YOU STUPID BITCH!”


Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Role Play and FOOD

So my lovely wife Theresa steps into the shower with me and says “Look, its like a penis only smaller.” My reply was “Look its like my secretary, only fatter and with saggy tits.”

She then proceeds to tell me that there will be no sex tonight, as if that were an option, and I told her “ Lets try a little role play, it might spice things up. I'll pretend like I'm a rapist and you be the victim.” Shes all like “Hell No! You ain't touching me mister! Get your ass out of here.” And I'm thinking WOW! Shes really getting into this little game. Turns out that she's quite the actress. She should go to Hollywood cause she ended up convincing me that she really didn't want me.

The night ended with me getting the closest thing I've had to a blow job in 10 years. I washed my balls with her tooth brush.

But now onto something that really matters to me. On Saturday, May 8th of this year, the National Association of Letter Carriers is conducting their 18th annual food drive to help feed the hungry in our communities. This is an effort by the postal WORKERS not the post office. It is expected of them to deliver their mail AND pick up food to help feed the less fortunate in our towns, during their normal working hours. There will be no overtime pay for their efforts. Local Food Banks across the country will co-ordinate with the postal union to bring in and deliver to the needy over 1 billion pounds of food this year.

People are always wondering why we send aid to the rest of the world while people here at home are suffering. This is your chance to make a difference. The food brought in during this drive will help food banks fulfill their mission throughout the summer, and without YOUR help this will not be possible. If the postal workers in your area are thoughtful enough to put a bag in your box, I hope you will be thoughtful enough to fill it up and help our neighbors in need.

From my personal experience canned vegetables are plentiful. There is a shortage of canned meats like tuna, chunk chicken, and what the hell, Spam for that matter. Also needed are canned fruits, and complete meals such as stew, ravioli, and chicken and dumplings. Peanut butter, jelly and cereal are also hard to come by.

Please, please, if given the opportunity to give back to the community, this year give like you have never given before. Times are hard for many people who have supported food banks in the past, and they are counting on us today to help them get through these difficult times. THANK YOU!!!