KFC

Do you know of any other Country that has named a State after a bucket of chicken?

I was in a KFC the other day and I had to stand in line for quite a few minutes before having my order taken. When I finally got to the counter the young lady said to me: “Sorry about your wait”. Well I told her “You're not so skinny yourself Chunky!” Then I felt bad. I remembered that is politically un-correct to insult the waitstaff before you get your food.

But this girl was super sized. I only imagine that when she sits in the tub, the water in the toilet bowl rises. I have found an easy way to get a large woman to lose 30 pounds though. I drink a 12 pack of Budweiser. It can work in reverse too. When she drinks I grow hair.

My lack of locks was caused by sudden onset baldness. My wife read in some magazine that she would have more fun if she shaved her twat. I woke up the next morning with no hair. Seriously I only realized I was going bald when it kept taking longer and longer to wash my face.

Now before you disappear like my split ends ...

Why should you never have sex with a fat lady with AIDS?

What? You need a third reason?

An old joke

I came home from work tonight, sat down in my favorite chair, turned the TV on, and said to Theresa, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but she brought me a beer.

After I finished it, I said, "Quick Hun! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little upset, but she brought me one anyway.

When it was gone, I said, "Quickly Hun! One more beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and run errands all day long?"

Thats when I sighed. "Oh shit. Now it's started."

There was an explosion at a pie factory in town today. 3.14159265 people died. But I have plans for the land and YOU can get in on the ground floor.

This is an excellent opportunity for all you wonderful people. I am creating a new alcoholic drink called "Responsibly", and you, yes YOU, get the first opportunity to invest.

I believe everyone in the country should get shit faced by drinking "Responsibly". Every other beer manufacturer will advertise OUR product on their can with the slogan "Please drink Responsibly". The government will run public service announcements promoting US.

My cousin who attends the Port Charlotte Fairgrounds Law School, said it sounds legal to him. So invest away my good friends.

I want to be a greeter

When I become financially independent or unemployed due to incompetence, I want to take a job for a day at Wal-Mart. As a greeter. I think I would be good at this because I would help people out as they came through the door.

For instance when an overweight person walked through the door I would say:

“We have dresses on sale in the extra extra large department, was you aware of that? There's a sale on fried chicken and Ho-Ho's too. And don't forget to pick up your free 3 liter bottle of diet coke when you buy a 12 pack of giant cinnamon rolls.”

Or:

“Hello friendly white trash family, welcome to Wal-mart. Two for one on wife beater t-shirts. Busch beer is on sale. Don't bother going down that aisle. Theres nothing there but toothpaste, shampoo, and soap. Nothing you're going to use.”

Or maybe I'll just lay on the beach. Probably live longer fighting sun cancer.

Problems

Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.

I was in the bar with my friend tonight, and he came strutting over with a rather large lady on each arm. They're like buses, I said. Why? he asked. Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?

No, I said. They're like buses.

Later when I came home my wife was standing in front of the mirror. God, I look old, fat and ugly, she said to me. Pay me a compliment, dear. I really need it right now.

I said well, there is nothing wrong with your eyesight. Thats when I remembered how temperamental she was. She's 50% temper and 50% mental.

Seriously though Theresa says I should try to lose some weight. She said I should have sex five times a week to burn off some calories. I told her I'd put her down for two of the sessions. Now as soon as she goes to sleep and drops that baseball bat I'm going to bed too. Catch ya later ...

Blind Date

My friend Joe had a blind date last night. He took this girl out for supper and she had frog's legs and chicken breasts, but she had a lovely personality, bless her.

He really loves blind dates. He says its bcause he can stare at their boobs. When he picked her up at her parents house, her father told him to keep his hands off his daughter. Joe thought to himself; OKAY, buts it your fault if she falls off during sex.

So anyway he takes her to this nice little restaurant and asks her what she wants do drink. She replies “Champagne, I guess.” Joe says “Guess again!” They drank a few beers, and during the course of the date the girl asked Joe if he would run in a marathon. Well not bing in the best shape he tells her not a chance, but after being told it was for blind and spastic kids, he figured he could win that.

Well I've got to spend some quality time with my lovely wife now. She was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Whatever.

Gotta go. Hope to see you all at Joe's race. Later ...