For You Mom

It being mothers day our family spent the the afternoon reminiscing about good times growing up.

My oldest brother Ken, remembered the time he got caught sneaking some ice cream right before supper. This was before the rest of us were born. Mom walked into the kitchen and and yelled “Supper is in the oven. Put that ice cream away and go play until the food is on the table.”

But mom, Ken cried, There's nobody to play with!

OK, mom said, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?

I want to play house. You be the mom and I'll be daddy. You go into the living room, and I'll be there in a minute. A couple minutes later Ken struts into the front room wearing one of dad's hats, chomping on one of his cigars, and mom said “Welcome home dear, how was your day?”
Ken said “Never mind how my day was, get your butt up out of that chair and fix your kid some ice cream!”

OK, that didn't really happen, but there was that time when we were little, and my sister shared a shocking secret at the supper table. She told everyone that Kens best friend Kevin had a weenie like a peanut. Mom asked “Do you mean its little?”
She said “No, its salty.”

OK, that didn't really happen. But there was that time when it was asked “Mom I'm 12 now. Can I wear a bra?”
“No Michael.”

My mother used to be quite the ventriloquist. She was always throwing her voice to make us laugh. Sometimes it wasn't funny though. For ten years I thought the dog was telling me to kill my father.

But growing up my mother was just like a sister to me. Well except we didn't have sex as often. So this post is for you mom. I love you!

Google Street View

I have a terrible feeling I'm being watched.

I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. And a similar van has been outside my workplace. It's probably my wife having someone take pictures of me. Recently she put a magnet on the refrigerator that says:

Your Husband is the only one

of your children who will never

Grow Up or Move Away.

This just proves how much she loves me. She's probably feeling a little insecure since I applied for a promotion to the cart-pusher job at work. She must think I'll outgrow her and move onto something bigger and better. Well nothing could be bigger to me than my precious moo-moo. I'll stay with her through thick and thicker. So don't worry darling, I'll never grow up, or move away. I'm yours forever!

The 'Special' Date

Joe has been seeing a special girl now for about three weeks. I have met her and I don't want to be critical but I don't think her driveway goes all the way to the road. I mean she has gone out with Joe more than once. What does that say? But at least Joe realizes she has a problem. On Friday he asked me where he could get some window flavored condoms.

She is a proper “special” girl so the dates have all ended with nothing more than a kiss so far. Joe figured if he could get her to his apartment, the setting would be more appropriate for advancing the relationship. So he convinced her to come over so he could show off his cooking skills. But poor Joe has an unorthodox sense of humor, and some people just don't know how to take him.

While he was preparing their dinner, he said with a straight face, “God designed women to stay in the kitchen and cook you know.” Well this girl may be slow but she's not stupid. She has ambition and a better job than he does, as a matter of fact, and she let him know it. Joe wouldn't let it go though. He said “Yet men make much better cooks than women. I guess all you're really good for is cleaning up. Could you start with this pan?”

Then she comes unglued. “Talk to the hand” she yelled. Well Joe said the hand wouldn't listen and he started talking to his own hand to demonstrate. As the night progressed, the girl left, Joe kept talking to his hand, things went fairly well, and before Joe knew it, he and his hand were in bed having great sex.

I'm not usually a praying man but 'Thank you God, for letting me not be Joe.'

Relationship Roundup

Joe didn't have his usual blind date last Friday. He had lined up a date with a deaf girl he met online. She didn't show though. She emailed him Saturday morning with some lame excuse about falling asleep and not hearing her alarm.

I'm a little bit worried about him. He's gotten so lonely he's shaved one leg just so it feels like he's in bed with a woman. I hope he meets a nice girl soon.

On the other hand Big Jim has met a girl. Because of her he had to go to the emergency room over the weekend to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Unfortunately she found the ring in the pocket of his pants and used some olive oil to slip it onto his penis while he slept.

Now what do you think is worse?

1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Trying to explain to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3. Finding out your wedding ring fits on your penis.

Enough about Big Jim. Glenn has made up with his significant other. She has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh and Glenn swears that if you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean. He doesn't mind that though as long as she keeps giving him better and better blow jobs every week. She is trying to convince him to leave his wife. He's screwed when she finds out he isn't even married.

And finally Theresa is not talking to me. Its all because I didn't open the car door for her. But its really not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface. If our government had spent a little more money on our highways and on guard rails instead of grants to aid third world toad eating toenail biting single parents with adult lesbian children who smoke, this never would have happened. Thats all I have to say about that.

Now I have to go call in sick to work. I'll write more later ...