Role Play and FOOD

So my lovely wife Theresa steps into the shower with me and says “Look, its like a penis only smaller.” My reply was “Look its like my secretary, only fatter and with saggy tits.”

She then proceeds to tell me that there will be no sex tonight, as if that were an option, and I told her “ Lets try a little role play, it might spice things up. I'll pretend like I'm a rapist and you be the victim.” Shes all like “Hell No! You ain't touching me mister! Get your ass out of here.” And I'm thinking WOW! Shes really getting into this little game. Turns out that she's quite the actress. She should go to Hollywood cause she ended up convincing me that she really didn't want me.

The night ended with me getting the closest thing I've had to a blow job in 10 years. I washed my balls with her tooth brush.

But now onto something that really matters to me. On Saturday, May 8th of this year, the National Association of Letter Carriers is conducting their 18th annual food drive to help feed the hungry in our communities. This is an effort by the postal WORKERS not the post office. It is expected of them to deliver their mail AND pick up food to help feed the less fortunate in our towns, during their normal working hours. There will be no overtime pay for their efforts. Local Food Banks across the country will co-ordinate with the postal union to bring in and deliver to the needy over 1 billion pounds of food this year.

People are always wondering why we send aid to the rest of the world while people here at home are suffering. This is your chance to make a difference. The food brought in during this drive will help food banks fulfill their mission throughout the summer, and without YOUR help this will not be possible. If the postal workers in your area are thoughtful enough to put a bag in your box, I hope you will be thoughtful enough to fill it up and help our neighbors in need.

From my personal experience canned vegetables are plentiful. There is a shortage of canned meats like tuna, chunk chicken, and what the hell, Spam for that matter. Also needed are canned fruits, and complete meals such as stew, ravioli, and chicken and dumplings. Peanut butter, jelly and cereal are also hard to come by.

Please, please, if given the opportunity to give back to the community, this year give like you have never given before. Times are hard for many people who have supported food banks in the past, and they are counting on us today to help them get through these difficult times. THANK YOU!!!

~Mike

Link to the NALC FOOD DRIVE

An old joke

I came home from work tonight, sat down in my favorite chair, turned the TV on, and said to Theresa, "Quick! Bring me a beer before it starts!"

She looked a little puzzled, but she brought me a beer.

After I finished it, I said, "Quick Hun! Bring me another beer! It's gonna start!"

This time she looked a little upset, but she brought me one anyway.

When it was gone, I said, "Quickly Hun! One more beer! It's gonna start any second!"

"That's it!" She blows her top. "You bastard! You waltz in here, flop your fat ass down, don't even say hello to me and then expect me to run around like your slave! Don't you realize that I cook and clean and wash and run errands all day long?"

Thats when I sighed. "Oh shit. Now it's started."

Happy B-day

Hooray. Today is my birthday. Before I left the house this morning my wife promised me something extra special when I got home. She told me I was going to get anal tonight. But it would be one night only, so I better enjoy it.

I was so excited all day. I told all my friends at work and they couldn't believe how lucky I was. I hurried home, parked crooked and almost forgot to close the car door.

So I skip through the front door all excited (yes I skipped), (anal, uh huh! uh huh!) and there she is. Standing in the middle of the living room, holding some k-y, naked as a jay bird, smiling from ear to ear, and ... she's wearing this huge fucking strap on. "Are ya ready for it?" she giggles.

Then she said "Do ya know the difference between jelly and jam?
Maybe I can't jelly this up your ass, but I sure can jam it"

One of us is sleeping on the couch tonight. I don't care who but one of us definitely is!

The Swine Flu

All I heard on the news this weekend was a pig flu, a pig flu, a pig flu. I thought that was impossible, but you know what this means? My wife owes me some lovely favors. She always said .... When pigs fly ...

My brother Ken has a son, Travis, and his class was talking about this disease. The teacher was explaining the word "contagious" to the students, and after her lesson she asked the kids to use the word in a sentence. I guess the first one to go was her pet and he said "You can catch the swine flu because it is contagious."

She brags on him and asks someone else to try.

Next Travis' "girl friend" gets picked and she says "I caught chicken pox last year and couldn't go out to play because I was contagious."

Again the teacher brags on the kid and asks "Anyone else?"

So then Travis jumps up (and I can just hear his Tennessee drawl), "Our neighbor is paintin his house with a 2 inch brush, and my daddy says it will take the contagious."

Ken is picking Travis up after detention for the rest of the week.

Google Street View

I have a terrible feeling I'm being watched.

I've been looking at Google Street View and the same van has been outside my house for days now. And a similar van has been outside my workplace. It's probably my wife having someone take pictures of me. Recently she put a magnet on the refrigerator that says:

Your Husband is the only one

of your children who will never

Grow Up or Move Away.

This just proves how much she loves me. She's probably feeling a little insecure since I applied for a promotion to the cart-pusher job at work. She must think I'll outgrow her and move onto something bigger and better. Well nothing could be bigger to me than my precious moo-moo. I'll stay with her through thick and thicker. So don't worry darling, I'll never grow up, or move away. I'm yours forever!

Mike's wife here

Hello Readers. I am Mikes wife and I have logged into his blog to share a few things I feel you should know about this sicko husband of mine.

First of all, every time I get on the computer to check my email, Mike sneaks up behind me and takes advantage of me against my will!

Honestly, it's like he koafio kfjp[aokf kopakf .fa..x54 afkopka, kf ;a ' ld;',,x,,.,.

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Busted at the Mall

It started out as a laid back sort of weekend. I escorted my lovely wife to the mall for some retail therapy and to be patriotic by stimulating the local economy. Big place that mall, and Theresa didn't bring her cell phone. When we got separated and I couldn't find her for about two hours, well I had to improvise.

So I walked up to this drop dead gorgeous blond and said “I've lost my wife here in the mall so do you mind if I talk to you for a couple minutes?” The woman looked at me without smiling and asked “Why do you want to talk to me?” With a grin from ear to ear I replied “Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.” Before I could get all that out Theresa starts tapping on my shoulder.

“Do you want to die in this mall tonight?” she asked, and I said “No honey I want to die making sweet passionate love to you.” Then she snickered “Well at least we know it will be fast.”

But thats not where this story ends. As we were walking into the dollar discount theater who should I see but a guy off America's Most Wanted, who is being sought for several rapes and murders. Well by God I'm not going to just let this asshole walk away, so I run across the lobby as fast as I can, dive through the air for a good three feet and tackle the bum. While he was down, I kicked him and punched him and choked him until he lost consciousness. Then I sat on him until the police arrived and arrested me.

Thats right arrested me. Apparently they use actors on that show.
Anyway I made bail, and lived to blog another day. Catch ya later.

Relationship Roundup

Joe didn't have his usual blind date last Friday. He had lined up a date with a deaf girl he met online. She didn't show though. She emailed him Saturday morning with some lame excuse about falling asleep and not hearing her alarm.

I'm a little bit worried about him. He's gotten so lonely he's shaved one leg just so it feels like he's in bed with a woman. I hope he meets a nice girl soon.

On the other hand Big Jim has met a girl. Because of her he had to go to the emergency room over the weekend to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Unfortunately she found the ring in the pocket of his pants and used some olive oil to slip it onto his penis while he slept.

Now what do you think is worse?

1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Trying to explain to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3. Finding out your wedding ring fits on your penis.

Enough about Big Jim. Glenn has made up with his significant other. She has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh and Glenn swears that if you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean. He doesn't mind that though as long as she keeps giving him better and better blow jobs every week. She is trying to convince him to leave his wife. He's screwed when she finds out he isn't even married.

And finally Theresa is not talking to me. Its all because I didn't open the car door for her. But its really not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface. If our government had spent a little more money on our highways and on guard rails instead of grants to aid third world toad eating toenail biting single parents with adult lesbian children who smoke, this never would have happened. Thats all I have to say about that.

Now I have to go call in sick to work. I'll write more later ...

Problems

Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.

I was in the bar with my friend tonight, and he came strutting over with a rather large lady on each arm. They're like buses, I said. Why? he asked. Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?

No, I said. They're like buses.

Later when I came home my wife was standing in front of the mirror. God, I look old, fat and ugly, she said to me. Pay me a compliment, dear. I really need it right now.

I said well, there is nothing wrong with your eyesight. Thats when I remembered how temperamental she was. She's 50% temper and 50% mental.

Seriously though Theresa says I should try to lose some weight. She said I should have sex five times a week to burn off some calories. I told her I'd put her down for two of the sessions. Now as soon as she goes to sleep and drops that baseball bat I'm going to bed too. Catch ya later ...

Technology

Theresa was just telling me about her interesting adventure at the market this morning.

After she had chosen all her grocery necessities for the day, you know Twinkies, potato chips, frozen pizza, and diet Mountain Dew, she proceeded to the check out line.

After the clerk had rang up her items Theresa leaned across the counter to present the checker with her coupons (she is such a thrifty shopper) and the craziest thing happened. Her blouse opened just enough for the scanning devise to catch a glimpse of her stretch marks and BAM! The computer proceeds to ring up a side of beef. True Story! Honest!

Makes me glad that I got her that Jenny Craig gift certificate for Christmas.

Merry Christmas

So my wife (Theresa) walks into the bed room where I am still sleeping and announces that she and her family are going to Mass, would I like to come? Groggily I point out that it is not Sunday and ask why she is putting on blue jeans for church. "You don't have to get dressed up to go to church. You don't have to dress up to be a good person" she stated. "And besides" I added "God has seen you naked, masturbating in the shower, so he'll probably think this is an improvement." For some reason she didn't think that was funny.

She said this is Jesus' birthday, and I should stop being a smart ass for a few hours and show a little love for mankind. I stuttered that I've decided that I love Jews. She stared at me. I said yep, they taste just like chicken. Silence once again. Let me ask you the reader something. Is there such a thing as a full-blooded Jew? Cause all the ones I know only claim to be Jew-ish.

Later in the day my mother-inlaw came over. She brought me a sweater that she knitted herself. She said she hoped it was what I wanted. I didn't have the balls to tell her what I really wanted was a ménage à trois with my wife and her 19 year old sister. At one time my number one sexual fantasy was to sleep with two women. Well that came true several years ago. Now my number one sexual fantasy is to sleep with two women who actually look like women.

This blog is a present from my brother Ken. He signed me up. Every time I'm in a good mood I start singing. Well whenever Ken is around and I am in a good mood (which is seldom) I'll start singing and he'll say "No..No..No. Write it down Mike. It sounds better that way." I thought he was kidding until today.

My mom called from Washington State this morning. She said she couldn't sleep because some of her grandkids stayed over last night and they were running around the house.
She complained that they kept yelling things like "let us in" and "we're fucking freezing." Some kids are really self centered these days.

Well dinner is on the table, gotta go. Later ...