Driving For Dollars

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period.

That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are reporting me to me. Ah, free enterprise.

I was driving around the mall today looking for a space close to a door, when this little old lady pulled out of a space only three spots from the food court. I whipped into the space as quickly as I could and immediately I heard an angry beeping behind me.

A Mexican guy yelled out of his window “Hey yo can't take that space, I bean here nearly an hour.”

I got out, slammed my door and as I walked away I said “Well I've been here my whole damn life, so fuck off!”

On a brighter note I got my auto insurance reduced this week. I changed my occupation to pedophile. Apparently there is a discount for people who drive around slowly looking out for children. Yeah that's sick and twisted but maybe just a little bit funny?

Now a word of advice. If you are ever on a plane and find yourself next to someone who won't shut up just do this ... Open your laptop so that the offender can see the screen and type the following link. http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf ... Shuts them up real quick every time!

I want to be a greeter

When I become financially independent or unemployed due to incompetence, I want to take a job for a day at Wal-Mart. As a greeter. I think I would be good at this because I would help people out as they came through the door.

For instance when an overweight person walked through the door I would say:

“We have dresses on sale in the extra extra large department, was you aware of that? There's a sale on fried chicken and Ho-Ho's too. And don't forget to pick up your free 3 liter bottle of diet coke when you buy a 12 pack of giant cinnamon rolls.”

Or:

“Hello friendly white trash family, welcome to Wal-mart. Two for one on wife beater t-shirts. Busch beer is on sale. Don't bother going down that aisle. Theres nothing there but toothpaste, shampoo, and soap. Nothing you're going to use.”

Or maybe I'll just lay on the beach. Probably live longer fighting sun cancer.

Busted at the Mall

It started out as a laid back sort of weekend. I escorted my lovely wife to the mall for some retail therapy and to be patriotic by stimulating the local economy. Big place that mall, and Theresa didn't bring her cell phone. When we got separated and I couldn't find her for about two hours, well I had to improvise.

So I walked up to this drop dead gorgeous blond and said “I've lost my wife here in the mall so do you mind if I talk to you for a couple minutes?” The woman looked at me without smiling and asked “Why do you want to talk to me?” With a grin from ear to ear I replied “Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.” Before I could get all that out Theresa starts tapping on my shoulder.

“Do you want to die in this mall tonight?” she asked, and I said “No honey I want to die making sweet passionate love to you.” Then she snickered “Well at least we know it will be fast.”

But thats not where this story ends. As we were walking into the dollar discount theater who should I see but a guy off America's Most Wanted, who is being sought for several rapes and murders. Well by God I'm not going to just let this asshole walk away, so I run across the lobby as fast as I can, dive through the air for a good three feet and tackle the bum. While he was down, I kicked him and punched him and choked him until he lost consciousness. Then I sat on him until the police arrived and arrested me.

Thats right arrested me. Apparently they use actors on that show.
Anyway I made bail, and lived to blog another day. Catch ya later.