My Little Town's Darwin Awards

Yep these bright young hoodlums are right here in my little town. I don't know why I am telling you this. No one will want to move to this area if they find out how stupid some of the natives are. Ah, maybe thats why I'm sharing. We have enough snow bird Yankees here already. These must be their offspring.

February 12, 2009 ~ A Charlotte County man is arrested for robbing a gas station after his car runs out of gas during the getaway. (You should always pre-trip your work vehicle at the start of every shift.)

February 24, 2009 ~ A 16 year old burglarizes a residence leaving his crushed cell-phone outside the window, then hitchhikes his getaway. Police track down the youth, then call his cell phone which rings at the scene of the crime. (The lad is disappointed about losing his phone because he just bought five new ringtones.)

March 29, 2009 ~ A man gets arrested after attempting to rob a grocery store and leaves a jug behind that he says is a bomb. He gets nothing (because the staff realizes he's just the silly son of a Yankee) and he is arrested 18 minutes later while making his getaway on a bicycle.

October 8, 2008 ~ A man was arrested for burglarizing a Port Charlotte store. After posting bond, he was spotted in the jail parking lot checking doors on the vehicles, looking for an unlocked car. He was pulled from a pickup after refusing to get out, claiming his wife was late picking him up and he was just looking for a cell phone to call her with. (He has one call left.)

July 18, 2008 ~ A local two year old girl was caught with a green leafy substance in her lunch box. Turns out her parents were divorced and the child has two lunch boxes, so it wasn't immediately clear where the pot came from. (I think a teacher found the marijuana after looking in the lunch box because the child had the munchies.)

March 16, 2009 ~ Ok, this one is over the county line but close enough to make the list. A 21 year old genius shoots himself in the leg and doesn't even have a gun. He was sitting in the driveway banging bullets with a hammer when one exploded, (unfortunately missing his head). The event was witnessed by the children of his room mate who was already under investigation for not supervising the children.

Home At Last

I'm back at a computer after a minor life changing event. I've been out of it for the last couple of weeks for reasons we won't go into, but while I was recouping I had a dream. I dreamed that someday chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned. No wait, not that dream ...

I dreamed that I robbed a bank. I got 15 million dollars in debt. While running away, I was being chased by a police dog. Unfortunately I tried to escape from the dog by crawling through a tunnel, running over a see-saw, and jumping through a hoop of fire. The animal finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

I got some good news while I was in the jail in this dream. I heard that the prison population has been ballooning for the past 10 years. I mean it would be the thrill of my lifetime to go ballooning. Most law abiding citizens can only dream of that. Then I started waking up and the TV was on a news channel in my room. The first thing I remember hearing was that 60,000 people had lost their homes in America. Now how stupid do you have to be to forget where you live?

In the hospital my roommate was a crazy pet lover. He convinced me that testing cosmetics on animals was wrong. Even though my dog looks fucking hot in lipstick, I guess I agree. When I got home I found a package of Viagra I had ordered off the internet. Not being sure of its quality I thought I'd try it on the dog first. Boy his ass is going to hurt for days.

Well, thanks for dropping by. I've got to take my meds now. I missed you. Catch you later ...

Busted at the Mall

It started out as a laid back sort of weekend. I escorted my lovely wife to the mall for some retail therapy and to be patriotic by stimulating the local economy. Big place that mall, and Theresa didn't bring her cell phone. When we got separated and I couldn't find her for about two hours, well I had to improvise.

So I walked up to this drop dead gorgeous blond and said “I've lost my wife here in the mall so do you mind if I talk to you for a couple minutes?” The woman looked at me without smiling and asked “Why do you want to talk to me?” With a grin from ear to ear I replied “Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere.” Before I could get all that out Theresa starts tapping on my shoulder.

“Do you want to die in this mall tonight?” she asked, and I said “No honey I want to die making sweet passionate love to you.” Then she snickered “Well at least we know it will be fast.”

But thats not where this story ends. As we were walking into the dollar discount theater who should I see but a guy off America's Most Wanted, who is being sought for several rapes and murders. Well by God I'm not going to just let this asshole walk away, so I run across the lobby as fast as I can, dive through the air for a good three feet and tackle the bum. While he was down, I kicked him and punched him and choked him until he lost consciousness. Then I sat on him until the police arrived and arrested me.

Thats right arrested me. Apparently they use actors on that show.
Anyway I made bail, and lived to blog another day. Catch ya later.