Driving For Dollars

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period.

That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are reporting me to me. Ah, free enterprise.

I was driving around the mall today looking for a space close to a door, when this little old lady pulled out of a space only three spots from the food court. I whipped into the space as quickly as I could and immediately I heard an angry beeping behind me.

A Mexican guy yelled out of his window “Hey yo can't take that space, I bean here nearly an hour.”

I got out, slammed my door and as I walked away I said “Well I've been here my whole damn life, so fuck off!”

On a brighter note I got my auto insurance reduced this week. I changed my occupation to pedophile. Apparently there is a discount for people who drive around slowly looking out for children. Yeah that's sick and twisted but maybe just a little bit funny?

Now a word of advice. If you are ever on a plane and find yourself next to someone who won't shut up just do this ... Open your laptop so that the offender can see the screen and type the following link. http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf ... Shuts them up real quick every time!

Home At Last

I'm back at a computer after a minor life changing event. I've been out of it for the last couple of weeks for reasons we won't go into, but while I was recouping I had a dream. I dreamed that someday chickens will be able to cross the road without having their motives questioned. No wait, not that dream ...

I dreamed that I robbed a bank. I got 15 million dollars in debt. While running away, I was being chased by a police dog. Unfortunately I tried to escape from the dog by crawling through a tunnel, running over a see-saw, and jumping through a hoop of fire. The animal finally caught me as I was weaving in and out of some sticks.

I got some good news while I was in the jail in this dream. I heard that the prison population has been ballooning for the past 10 years. I mean it would be the thrill of my lifetime to go ballooning. Most law abiding citizens can only dream of that. Then I started waking up and the TV was on a news channel in my room. The first thing I remember hearing was that 60,000 people had lost their homes in America. Now how stupid do you have to be to forget where you live?

In the hospital my roommate was a crazy pet lover. He convinced me that testing cosmetics on animals was wrong. Even though my dog looks fucking hot in lipstick, I guess I agree. When I got home I found a package of Viagra I had ordered off the internet. Not being sure of its quality I thought I'd try it on the dog first. Boy his ass is going to hurt for days.

Well, thanks for dropping by. I've got to take my meds now. I missed you. Catch you later ...

Hotel Porn

I just had to share this with you. Some people are so sick these days. As I was checking into this hotel tonight on business, the guy in front of me said in a snooty voice “Please tell me the porn channel is disabled.”

It's just disgusting what some people are into, isn't it?

That reminds me of something I read in People magazine recently. It seems many actors have been discouraged from working with children or animals. Especially in the porn industry. See ya.