Its Almost Easter

Just for fun, no harm intended, but I am prepared for the hate mail anyway.

So how many witnesses do they actually need before Jehovah's trial starts? Another one came to my door last Saturday but this one didn't get to enjoy my usual witty remarks. She brought along her little daughter, and its just not right to ridicule a person in front of their child. Hell she might be right and I just couldn't concentrate on my poker hand if I had to babysit her kid in hell because I destroyed the little one's belief.

I didn't notice whether or not she had a cross around her neck but I sometimes wonder if the first thing Jesus wants to see upon his return will be a bunch of freekin' crosses. I mean do you think if JFK came back he would want to meet with a group of fans wearing little rifles on their lapels?

I try not to laugh when I listen to these people. But people who don't want to be laughed at shouldn't have such funny beliefs. I mean isn't this all about one woman's lie about an affair that got totally out of hand?

In case you are not familiar with Christianity it goes something like this:

You must believe that a Jewish lady who never had sex, gave birth to a baby who never did anything wrong his whole childhood. When he became a man he died, was interned, but came back to life and flew into the clouds without a spaceship or even an airplane. He left instructions that you must symbolically eat his flesh and drink his blood, but in the book his dad wrote you're not supposed to eat catfish or lobster. You must telepathically tell him he is your master, and you must never masturbate. If you have enough faith, he'll forgive you for doing evil things, which you do because a woman who was created perfectly, listened to a talking snake who convinced her to climb a magical tree and eat the one thing in the world she shouldn't eat (besides catfish, crab, lobster, pig, rabbit, oyster, shrimp, ostrich, clams, mussel, frogs, so on and so forth ....) that enabled her to know good from bad by the way. And you have to refrain from work one day a week. Well if one day is good, then two must be better me thinks.

This all makes perfect sense to me. But this next part just seems mean. You get the little boys and girls all dressed up, let them fill their tiny little baskets with eggs, then sit them down under a picture of a half naked guy with blood running down his face, nailed to railroad ties, surrounded by men with spears. How are they gonna enjoy their eggs looking at that?

Well I guess someone should pray for me now. Gotta go. See ya

I Apologize

Following a joke I made last week about the Holy Qur'an, I've gotten a large number of private messages from Muslim readers of this blog and I would like to make the following statement:

"Islam is a religion based on peace, love and respect, and this is the central message of the Qur'an. As such I offer a full apology for making the claim that it encourages suicide bombing and violence."

OK, there- I said it. Now can you please stop sending me death threats?

(next week I take aim at Christians, Hindus, and the Church of The FSM)

She was 98

I attended church tonight for old times sake. As the end of the sermon on love and all that crap was coming to an end, the preacher asked the congregation “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Well about 8 out of every 10 people raised their hands.

The minister asked again, a little louder. Everybody raised their hand this time except one little old lady.
“Miss Mary, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any” she replied smiling as only little old ladies can.
“Miss Mary, that is quite unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety and Eight” she said.
“Well, Miss Mary, would you be kind enough to come to the front of the hall and share with us how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?”

The sweet little grandmother slowly paced down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

“I outlived the bitches.”