Driving For Dollars

I think I've discovered a new money making scheme. Here is the plan: I'm going to get a 900 number, put a bumper sticker on my car that says 'Hows My Driving' along with that 900 number, and then I'll drive like a 99 year old blind, blond, Chinese woman, on her period.

That should bring in $4.99 per minute, and I'll be in front of them pissing them off more and more the whole time they are reporting me to me. Ah, free enterprise.

I was driving around the mall today looking for a space close to a door, when this little old lady pulled out of a space only three spots from the food court. I whipped into the space as quickly as I could and immediately I heard an angry beeping behind me.

A Mexican guy yelled out of his window “Hey yo can't take that space, I bean here nearly an hour.”

I got out, slammed my door and as I walked away I said “Well I've been here my whole damn life, so fuck off!”

On a brighter note I got my auto insurance reduced this week. I changed my occupation to pedophile. Apparently there is a discount for people who drive around slowly looking out for children. Yeah that's sick and twisted but maybe just a little bit funny?

Now a word of advice. If you are ever on a plane and find yourself next to someone who won't shut up just do this ... Open your laptop so that the offender can see the screen and type the following link. http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf ... Shuts them up real quick every time!

She was 98

I attended church tonight for old times sake. As the end of the sermon on love and all that crap was coming to an end, the preacher asked the congregation “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Well about 8 out of every 10 people raised their hands.

The minister asked again, a little louder. Everybody raised their hand this time except one little old lady.
“Miss Mary, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any” she replied smiling as only little old ladies can.
“Miss Mary, that is quite unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety and Eight” she said.
“Well, Miss Mary, would you be kind enough to come to the front of the hall and share with us how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?”

The sweet little grandmother slowly paced down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

“I outlived the bitches.”

Old Age

Now, it's official. I'm old.

Picture this. I was returning to my car at the quick-stop. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 20, maybe 21 year old, fine little blond. God, she was hot.

My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like."

Reminded me of when I was that age. I went out with an English teacher for a while, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon. What are ya gonna do?

Some people think 46 is middle age, but its not really. Not when you plan on living to be 120. I've started taking better care of myself and have done some research on tests I may need in the future. I found this video and knew right away that it must be shared. Pay attention - this is important for all of us guys!

Thanks to Rick Blue.

Grandma

My grandma lived to be 98 years old. What a sense of humor she had.

She was telling me about how when she was a girl she could go the store with a quarter and come home with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 2 quarts of milk, a whole chicken, and a pack of smokes.

I said well Grandma that's inflation for you. She said inflation my ass! It's all those fucking security cameras they have these days! Yeah, my grandma was a riot.

I don't smoke anymore but back when I did I was driving along one day and flicked my cigarette out the window. I drove another couple of miles and then started to smell something funny coming from the back seat. I turned around and sure enough ... grandma was fingering herself again. BTW that car is still for sale 6 years later. eww.