It still makes me laugh when I think about all the lies my dad told me when I was young. You know, like how the Easter Bunny hid eggs for me to find and eat. And how Old St. Nick left presents for me because I was a decent kid all year. And how the Sodomy Fairy left me that skate board for ....
This being almost Easter I am reminded of one of my favorite Bible verses. II Mathark 3:42-43 “And before being hung upon the cross, Jesus spake unto the 12 disciples saying: Toucheth not my fucking Easter eggs! I'll be back for them on Monday.”
Jesus was a great guy with many talents. Like the time he turned some water into wine. But hell I know this guy named Pedro who turned an entire student loan into tequila, so there you go. I used to ask myself 'What Would Jesus Do' when I had a major problem. But hey, he let himself get crucified so maybe his decision making skills needed a little work.
When Jesus was on the cross and almost dead he motioned Mary over and spoke oh so softly, withering in pain and barely able to speak, he said “Take the nails out, Mary, take the nails out.”
Mary did just as he asked and as he began to fall forward he screamed “FEET FIRST YOU STUPID BITCH!”