Problems

Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.

I was in the bar with my friend tonight, and he came strutting over with a rather large lady on each arm. They're like buses, I said. Why? he asked. Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?

No, I said. They're like buses.

Later when I came home my wife was standing in front of the mirror. God, I look old, fat and ugly, she said to me. Pay me a compliment, dear. I really need it right now.

I said well, there is nothing wrong with your eyesight. Thats when I remembered how temperamental she was. She's 50% temper and 50% mental.

Seriously though Theresa says I should try to lose some weight. She said I should have sex five times a week to burn off some calories. I told her I'd put her down for two of the sessions. Now as soon as she goes to sleep and drops that baseball bat I'm going to bed too. Catch ya later ...

Housing

Now that Freddie Mac and Fannie Mae have been taken over by the US Government, and Uncle Sam is investing in all our banks and mortgage companies, doesn't that make the US one big housing project?

Next thing you know we'll all be sitting in front of the TV all day stuffing our faces and getting immensely fat.

Oh wait a minute...

My Brother's Kid

The coach called my 12-year-old nephew Travis to the side and asked, “Son, do you understand what cooperation is, And what a team is?”
Travis nodded.
“Do you understand that what matters most is whether we win or lose together as a team?”
My brother's son nodded, yes.
“So,” the coach continued, “I'm sure you know, when a play is called, you shouldn't argue, swear or call the ref a 'dickhead'. Do you understand all that?”
Again Travis nodded.
He continued, “And when I take you out so another boy gets a chance to play, it's not good sportsmanship to call your coach 'a useless twat' now is it?”
Looking slightly ashamed by now, Ken's son agreed.
“Good,” said the coach. “Now go over there and explain all that to your Dad”

The Cliff

I don't want to mention any names (Glenn) but a friend of mine was very depressed recently. He had taken a big gamble and lost so his family was going to be kicked out of their house and onto the street the following day.

He was at a loss as to what to do and thought there was only one way out. He drove to the edge of a cliff and parked there. He rested his head on the steering wheel, tears pouring down his cheeks. His right foot on the brake was trembling as he inched closer to the edge of the cliff. Anxiously all the nice people there took up a collection and they rounded up enough money for him to pay his debt and keep his home ..... Good thing his bus was full that day!

Carnival Date

A wonderful thing about living in Florida is the weather. We have outdoor events all year round. So Joe took this weeks blind date to the carnival.

They get inside the gate and Joe asks "What would you like to do first, Gertrude?" "I want to get weighed," she said. So they wander over to the weight guesser. He guessed 160 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 157 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Gertrude what she wanted to do. "I want to get weighed," she said smiling from ear to ear. So back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his three bucks.

They walked around the carnival for awhile and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured this one was a little too crazy for him, so he rushed her home, dropped her off at the curb, gave her a handshake, and sped off.

As soon as she went inside Gertrude's roommate Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Gertrude responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Please Give

Zeebooboo, is a half blind 5 year old orphan, who has to ride 5 miles a day to school with only one leg, on a bicycle with buckled wheels and no brakes.

Please give just a small donation of $10 and I will send you the video. It's hilarious!

Old Age

Now, it's official. I'm old.

Picture this. I was returning to my car at the quick-stop. Coming into the store was this smoking hot 20, maybe 21 year old, fine little blond. God, she was hot.

My thought? "I wonder what her mother looks like."

Reminded me of when I was that age. I went out with an English teacher for a while, but she dumped me. She didn't approve of my improper use of the colon. What are ya gonna do?

Some people think 46 is middle age, but its not really. Not when you plan on living to be 120. I've started taking better care of myself and have done some research on tests I may need in the future. I found this video and knew right away that it must be shared. Pay attention - this is important for all of us guys!

Thanks to Rick Blue.

Deodorant

I ran out of deodorant so I borrowed some of mama's. It comes in a stick now you know. Instructions said 'Take off top and push up bottom'

5 fucking hours I spent in the emergency room!

Blind Date

My friend Joe had a blind date last night. He took this girl out for supper and she had frog's legs and chicken breasts, but she had a lovely personality, bless her.

He really loves blind dates. He says its bcause he can stare at their boobs. When he picked her up at her parents house, her father told him to keep his hands off his daughter. Joe thought to himself; OKAY, buts it your fault if she falls off during sex.

So anyway he takes her to this nice little restaurant and asks her what she wants do drink. She replies “Champagne, I guess.” Joe says “Guess again!” They drank a few beers, and during the course of the date the girl asked Joe if he would run in a marathon. Well not bing in the best shape he tells her not a chance, but after being told it was for blind and spastic kids, he figured he could win that.

Well I've got to spend some quality time with my lovely wife now. She was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Whatever.

Gotta go. Hope to see you all at Joe's race. Later ...