The 'Special' Date

Joe has been seeing a special girl now for about three weeks. I have met her and I don't want to be critical but I don't think her driveway goes all the way to the road. I mean she has gone out with Joe more than once. What does that say? But at least Joe realizes she has a problem. On Friday he asked me where he could get some window flavored condoms.

She is a proper “special” girl so the dates have all ended with nothing more than a kiss so far. Joe figured if he could get her to his apartment, the setting would be more appropriate for advancing the relationship. So he convinced her to come over so he could show off his cooking skills. But poor Joe has an unorthodox sense of humor, and some people just don't know how to take him.

While he was preparing their dinner, he said with a straight face, “God designed women to stay in the kitchen and cook you know.” Well this girl may be slow but she's not stupid. She has ambition and a better job than he does, as a matter of fact, and she let him know it. Joe wouldn't let it go though. He said “Yet men make much better cooks than women. I guess all you're really good for is cleaning up. Could you start with this pan?”

Then she comes unglued. “Talk to the hand” she yelled. Well Joe said the hand wouldn't listen and he started talking to his own hand to demonstrate. As the night progressed, the girl left, Joe kept talking to his hand, things went fairly well, and before Joe knew it, he and his hand were in bed having great sex.

I'm not usually a praying man but 'Thank you God, for letting me not be Joe.'

Problems

Sometimes Alcohol is the answer.

I was in the bar with my friend tonight, and he came strutting over with a rather large lady on each arm. They're like buses, I said. Why? he asked. Because you wait for ages and then two come at once?

No, I said. They're like buses.

Later when I came home my wife was standing in front of the mirror. God, I look old, fat and ugly, she said to me. Pay me a compliment, dear. I really need it right now.

I said well, there is nothing wrong with your eyesight. Thats when I remembered how temperamental she was. She's 50% temper and 50% mental.

Seriously though Theresa says I should try to lose some weight. She said I should have sex five times a week to burn off some calories. I told her I'd put her down for two of the sessions. Now as soon as she goes to sleep and drops that baseball bat I'm going to bed too. Catch ya later ...

Carnival Date

A wonderful thing about living in Florida is the weather. We have outdoor events all year round. So Joe took this weeks blind date to the carnival.

They get inside the gate and Joe asks "What would you like to do first, Gertrude?" "I want to get weighed," she said. So they wander over to the weight guesser. He guessed 160 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 157 and she won a prize.

Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Gertrude what she wanted to do. "I want to get weighed," she said smiling from ear to ear. So back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his three bucks.

They walked around the carnival for awhile and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured this one was a little too crazy for him, so he rushed her home, dropped her off at the curb, gave her a handshake, and sped off.

As soon as she went inside Gertrude's roommate Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How did it go?"
Gertrude responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

Blind Date

My friend Joe had a blind date last night. He took this girl out for supper and she had frog's legs and chicken breasts, but she had a lovely personality, bless her.

He really loves blind dates. He says its bcause he can stare at their boobs. When he picked her up at her parents house, her father told him to keep his hands off his daughter. Joe thought to himself; OKAY, buts it your fault if she falls off during sex.

So anyway he takes her to this nice little restaurant and asks her what she wants do drink. She replies “Champagne, I guess.” Joe says “Guess again!” They drank a few beers, and during the course of the date the girl asked Joe if he would run in a marathon. Well not bing in the best shape he tells her not a chance, but after being told it was for blind and spastic kids, he figured he could win that.

Well I've got to spend some quality time with my lovely wife now. She was complaining last night that I never listen to her. Or something like that. Whatever.

Gotta go. Hope to see you all at Joe's race. Later ...