Relationship Roundup

Joe didn't have his usual blind date last Friday. He had lined up a date with a deaf girl he met online. She didn't show though. She emailed him Saturday morning with some lame excuse about falling asleep and not hearing her alarm.

I'm a little bit worried about him. He's gotten so lonely he's shaved one leg just so it feels like he's in bed with a woman. I hope he meets a nice girl soon.

On the other hand Big Jim has met a girl. Because of her he had to go to the emergency room over the weekend to have his wedding ring cut off his penis. Unfortunately she found the ring in the pocket of his pants and used some olive oil to slip it onto his penis while he slept.

Now what do you think is worse?

1. Having your girlfriend find out you're married.
2. Trying to explain to your wife how your wedding ring got on your penis.
3. Finding out your wedding ring fits on your penis.

Enough about Big Jim. Glenn has made up with his significant other. She has a tattoo of a seashell on her inner thigh and Glenn swears that if you put your ear against it you can smell the ocean. He doesn't mind that though as long as she keeps giving him better and better blow jobs every week. She is trying to convince him to leave his wife. He's screwed when she finds out he isn't even married.

And finally Theresa is not talking to me. Its all because I didn't open the car door for her. But its really not my fault, I just panicked and swam for the surface. If our government had spent a little more money on our highways and on guard rails instead of grants to aid third world toad eating toenail biting single parents with adult lesbian children who smoke, this never would have happened. Thats all I have to say about that.

Now I have to go call in sick to work. I'll write more later ...