She was 98

I attended church tonight for old times sake. As the end of the sermon on love and all that crap was coming to an end, the preacher asked the congregation “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” Well about 8 out of every 10 people raised their hands.

The minister asked again, a little louder. Everybody raised their hand this time except one little old lady.
“Miss Mary, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don't have any” she replied smiling as only little old ladies can.
“Miss Mary, that is quite unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety and Eight” she said.
“Well, Miss Mary, would you be kind enough to come to the front of the hall and share with us how a person can live to be ninety-eight and not have an enemy in the world?”

The sweet little grandmother slowly paced down the aisle, faced the congregation and said:

“I outlived the bitches.”

Grandma

My grandma lived to be 98 years old. What a sense of humor she had.

She was telling me about how when she was a girl she could go the store with a quarter and come home with a dozen eggs, a pound of bacon, 2 quarts of milk, a whole chicken, and a pack of smokes.

I said well Grandma that's inflation for you. She said inflation my ass! It's all those fucking security cameras they have these days! Yeah, my grandma was a riot.

I don't smoke anymore but back when I did I was driving along one day and flicked my cigarette out the window. I drove another couple of miles and then started to smell something funny coming from the back seat. I turned around and sure enough ... grandma was fingering herself again. BTW that car is still for sale 6 years later. eww.